March 13, 2010 I reached a breaking point at the altar at our church during the College Days Conference. An absolute breaking point.
I found myself broken at the altar before God, a sobbing wreck of a person with my make-up streaming down my face in black streaks, and I didn't care who saw me or what they thought of me.
I realized that I was a wicked person who carried within me a lot of pride.
"Wicked?", I hear you question. Yes, wicked. That word doesn't have the same meaning to God as it does to us. We define it as what people do, but to God wicked is a state of our heart.
I need to discern the condition of my heart. I cried at that altar asking God to forgive me because He showed me that more often than not what I do is not to please Him. Sure, I do it hoping it will please God but I have made Him secondary. God revealed to me that I need to do things primarly on what pleases Him first then man. I, in
God showed me areas of my life that were entangled with pride. God opposes the proud and, just to put it in our perspective, our pride opposes Him. Pride doesn't listen. It has a nature and a character all on its own. It is defensive and it knows all the answers. Pride leaves behind it a trail of pain and destruction.
The proud have an untrainable, unteachable spirit and go around and around the mountain having the same problems all the time but won't listen to people who offer them an answer because they have ALL the answers, right? Yet somehow they are still circling that mountain, dealing with the exact same issues they were dealing with last year and the year before...
My pastor gave an illustration of pride as being like an octopus, wrapping its tentacles around us, sucking the life right out of us. Pride is critical of things and people; it is anger and strife and bitterness. And the age we live in only adds fuel to the prideful fire. We live in an age where we feel we have the right to be right.
Two Saturdays ago, in the midst of a hundren people or so, I poured myself out on the altar to a God I love and trust. We, as a corporate body, poured ourselves out to Him and His presence fell so thick that we could not stand. And He told me to honor HIM before man. I chose, that night, to 'tap out' (like in UFC), to willingly surrender to God and to allow Him to strip me of pride.
I know I have a long way to go. I don't have all the answers other than that I need God more and more and the more He shows me the more I realize how little I know and how much I need Him.