Ok, you who have been reading here any length of time know that I cried more than a little but I am pleased to announce that this weekend a deep, deep work was done in my life and I feel a peace like I have never felt about Rush leaving.
Thursday night during worship (at WRC's corporate prayer) we sang the words "You are all I want; You are all I need" and I concluded that, up until that point, I was lying as I sang them. At that point, all I needed and all I wanted was not God; it was for Rush to come home. I might be happy if she comes home but without God I will never have true joy and I felt my heart changing at that very instant.
But it did not feel complete...
Saturday night I went up to the altar after service and received prayer. As I lay there I felt a fear rise up in me that I had never realized I was feeling. As I began to experience it though, it felt familiar. I felt a weighty blanket come over me (like when you are a kid & you feel your parents cover you back up in the middle of the night - a comforting weight) and I began to cry. Honestly it felt like that fear of abandonment was pouring out through my tears and as it poured out, it was like God was pouring in love and strength faster than the fear was coming out - like it was forcing the fear out through my tears.
Still it did not feel complete...
On Sunday morning I felt something that I can not explain but it was like I saw a story play out in my head like a day dream and I felt more peace and I stood up feeling like the process was complete.
The onion has been peeled. Yes, there were lots of tears; yes, my eyes stung and burned but the end justified the means. I do feel a lot better. My heart doesn't feel heavy.
I know there have been moments that I have written about where I say this was all ready done and I believe it was all ready done - that layer. Sometimes wounds go deeper than we think they do. I don't know for 100% that there may not be a day that I need to allow more healing to take place. But for now this onion is peeled, Baby!