Who am I?

Who am I?

Something I have been rediscovering the last 6 years.

I spent almost 2 decades being told what music I could (or could not) listen to (in fact, I was made to burn all my music), what food I liked, what clothes I was to wear, how I was to respond to people, who I could or could not spend time with, and what my demeanor would be....just to name a few...

6 years ago, I found myself looking at my reflection in the mirror and having absolutely no idea who I was.

I reflected...a lot. I went back to what I enjoyed as a kid. It had to be a good starting point. As a child, I spent every minute I possibly could outside - with the animals in the pasture, exploring the woods and the creeks and watching the beavers build their dams, getting on my horse after breakfast and wandering through the woods until supper, climbing in the round bales, making forts and tunnels in the bales (much to the dismay of my parents and grandparents), nestling in the straw piles beside the calves, berry picking, trying to stalk deer to capture pictures of them or any other wildlife, making boats out of scrap wood and sailing them down the run off, listening to the wolves howling and lulling me to sleep....you get the idea.

I adored that time, found it peaceful and rejuvenating.

Back to nature I went and rediscovered the love I have always had for the magic of the outdoors.

I went back to the music that had become my anthems as a teenager.  I found myself on a path that empowered me once again and I evolved from there.

My art.... I discovered painting. I just can't seem to draw as I once had. I wrote and wrote. It helped me process - just as it always had. The writing of words is cathartic and healing for me. Now, I just need to tap open that valve in my soul from whence poetry flowed...

Surround me with nature in my home: driftwood, rocks, gemstones, shells, sand, the warming glow of candles, the welcoming greenery....

I discovered yoga and the healing power of what I call "zen music".
I'm back to taking pictures of pinecones and moss, clouds and lightning, wildlife and flowers....

I've rediscovered (and am still discovering day by day) who I am. I'm a beautiful mix of heavy metal and yoga, happiest outdoors (be it in the middle of a forest or beside crashing waves near the ocean), capturing life through my camera, berry picking, canning, baking, extroverted introvert homebody

From the ashes

Wow....
It sure has been a lifetime since I darkened this doorway....

I don't know if any of my readers are still around. If you are...hey! If I am wandering the halls of this blog alone, that's ok. I do this mostly to sort through and process. Writing has always been my favored means of communicating. I love formulating thoughts and telling stories. It truly is cathartic.

Almost 6 years ago my life derailed - at least the life I thought I had to live. There were casualties and freedoms, moments that gutted me and moments that rocked me to my core - forever changing who I am.

I wish I had had the capability to journey through that with you all but, to be honest, I still don't have the words or ability to understand a great deal of it.

May I present to you the cliffnotes version of the last 6 years....

1.  B.D. and I parted ways....he was cheating on me with at least 2, known to me, women. There was, which I now am brave enough to say, years of domestic and sexual abuse that was a well-kept secret because image...

and also because FEAR.

There are too many things to catch up on that  now is not the time to delve deeper into this issue and the growth I have experienced through my healing.

2. Less than a year into taking my first steps into freedom,  safety and rebuilding,  my world shattered when I received news that my dearest friend lost her son in a motorcycle accident.  If you have read here previously, you may remember that we met as brand new teen moms in our hospital beds as we held our newborn babies and we have been through the best and worst if humanity together....and now, the unthinkable.

I can't go a day without him taking a stroll through my mind, my memories or my heart.

3. I took a little trip. Where did I go? I went to heal my soul in the rain forest. (I still have a long road ahead of me but this trip was the most therapeutic thing I could have done for myself.) I went to Panama. 
There is something purely magical and healing that happens when you stand in the middle of the rain forest (surrounded by sloths, capuchin monkeys, exotic birds and, apparently,  a jaguar) and the moment you offer your broken pieces to the universe for repair is a truly humbling one.

4.  My daughter divulged to me secrets she carried regarding her father and his behavior that no one, let alone a child,  should have to bear the burden. She pressed charges but the courts let her down. It changed my poor Jellybean in ways I cannot properly understand and I have lost every hope and dream I once held dear for my child. However,  I am most grateful that I am still able to wrap my arms around my baby and tell this precious soul how much they are loved.

5. Jellybean, now 18 years old, lives with roommates and has for the last almost 3 years. Plans for graduation are hopeful for this year although Jellybean is attempting to complete a year and a half in one year. if it takes longer, it takes longer.  Every step forward is a step forward.
Bug, almost 16  years old, has his learners driving permit and lives with me full-time.

6. Bug reminds me a lot of myself as a teenager - in boy form.

7. After years of oppression and abuse, and being placed in a constant state of survival mode,  I began to rediscover who I am.

Who I truly am was long lost in the identity and ideals I had to take on to appease violence and anger in my home.

I found me again. Well, honestly, I'm still working on this and still learning more daily  It has been an adventure -  a journey full of ebbs and flows, triumphs and set-backs, victories and disappointments.

Sometimes certain behaviors of people send me reeling into a state of instant panic, instant fear and I find I have healed just enough that I stand up for myself and my family but not quite healed enough to stand up against those moments in the most effective manner. I cower or I bare my teeth.  Fight or flight. According to the counselor I saw, to help me through the healing process, the fight or flight response is on alert 150% of the time for survivors of violence and for those with PTSD as a result of that violence.

8. I met and married an incredible, kind and gentle man. We will have been married coming on 2 years this summer. With him, I gained 3 fabulous little characters into my family.  (Names for the 4  will need to be explored)

9. We rescued a dog....or she rescued us....but we have each other. July 30 of this year marks our 1 anniversary of Gotcha Day. She will be known by Creep within the walls of this space.

and the most joyful of my updates....

10. Rush married her high school sweetheart, 4x4, 5 years ago this June AND.....coming up on 15 months ago, they welcomed their firstborn, a handsome little man (he needs an interweb name as well....)

So, there you have it, the last 6 years in a nutshell....I saved the positives for the end because I believe in ending anything that is negatively toned with positivity.