Textanese... my love language

You just made a face at your computer didn't you?  You know what kind of face I mean... the one that says "huh" and "that's kind of intriguing"...

Rush doesn't always initiate conversations with me.  If it weren't for texting and facebook I doubt we would talk - other than the spuradic visits that is. Sometimes it does seem like she could just keep going on without showing me that she is thinking of me at all. 

Now, I am not saying that to induce your mama's hearts so y'all feel sorry for me.  I am not looking for pity at all; pity does me no good.  I tell you this because I just want to set the stage as to why I said that textanese was my love language.

I will send texts to my girl everytime I think of her - a little note that says "I love you", "you are loved", "missing you", "morning/night", "have a great day"...  I may not have the ability to converse with her the way I want but I do still have the ability to converse with her and I want to make sure she knows each and every time I am thinking of her and that those thoughts are of nothing but unending, unchanging love.

{Rush, if you ever read this blog, you are loved - nothing is ever going to change that. I love you, baby girl!}

365 days ago

I lost you.

I know where you are but I still haven't found you.

I think of you every day.

I miss you - every day.

My heart feels unsettled, missing, partial... it hurts.

I'm sorry I let you down. I thought I was doing what was right.  I was doing the best I could at the time.  I failed you. I failed you.  I failed you.  I get that. I am sorry.  That is the only thing I can do - apologize.  I hope you forgive me for all the wrong doings you feel were done to you. I don't know what all they were but I am sorry that I have failed you in all the areas you needed me.

I thought I showed you love but I failed you. I am sorry if I ever made you feel you were not good enough. I wouldn't want you to be any other way than you. I am sorry if I ever made you feel you were a disappointment.  I could never be disappointed in you.  You are the beat in my heart and the breath in my lungs.

I will never forget the feeling of my heart crumbling to bits as I realized you were gone, that you resented me so much that you felt your only option was to run.

Beautiful daughter...

I am so, so, so very sorry

I

FAILED

YOU...

I'm sorry you have been robbed of your joy...

I LOVE YOU!!!

I MISS YOU!!!!

My heart is breaking

and I just can't seem to get control of my emotions or my heart right now.  I am writing this raw.  Straight out of the moment.  I will apologize in advance for things I say that don't sound like they are founded in faith or hope right now.

I have been trying to get my daughter to visit us all summer.  She keeps telling me she has no way out here so I made arrangements with B.D. that we would go get her.  Now she is too committed to babysit my nephew for free than to come here for two day. I am so choked at  my sister right now!  I hate that this part of my life has come to this.  I hate that my daughter is not a part of my life! I hate that I know the guy down the street better than my own daughter! I hate that my heart is breaking and it seems like there is no hope she will ever really be part of my life again...

I love Rush.  She was appropriately named.  Her name means "to hold dear : feel or show affection for; to entertain or harbor in ones mind deeply and resolutely". She is one of the best things that has ever happened to me so WHY does it have to hurt this much to have her in my life?  Does my heart really have to be broken in a million pieces for the rest of my life?  I miss my daughter so much! I can't do this! I just can't!!!!!

Today is supposed to be a day of celebration.  Today is Bug's 7th birthday party.  Today is supposed to be all about him!  I have to pull myself together, get off this pity party train and be the best mom I can be. I need to stand strong, rise up and be.

4 more days or T-minus 8 months

Today marks 8 months since I woke up and found Rush had run away from home. In those 8 months, I have grown and changed a lot. I never imagined I would be able to face another day with strength or joy.

I have. Sometimes...  I miss my daughter.... I don't go a day without thinking of her.

Today

Today DD2 starts her first day of school and I don't know what she took, if she did, for lunch. I don't know that she ate breakfast, who her teachers are, what classes she has or what she wore. I don't know what time she catches the bus and I won't know how her first day went.

I didn't sleep well last night and that makes this a very emotional day.

She has been gone almost two weeks now. Two weeks without my girl who, right now, feels like a stranger to me.

T Minus DD2 Day 9

Pastor says I blame myself for all of this, that I shouldn't. He's right.

I also have guilt.

Guilt for not giving you a life that made you happy, for our lives leading up to this not being perfect, for not having the knowledge I have now your whole life so you wouldn't be so confused (or whatever you are). I feel guilt for what I did to my dad when I left. Granted, he knew I was planning on going; it wasn't a surprise but still...I now know how he felt, how his heart was ripped from his chest. I understand why he said the things he did. Perhaps they could have been said differently but I understand why he said them. He never hated me - not even a little.

I can't hold onto this guilt and blame any longer; it is killing me. What good will I be to you, when you want to be a part of my life again, if I allow this to kill me? What good will I be to our brothers and sisters? What good will I be to Dad?

I am not perfect. I will make more mistakes than I all ready have. I will try to correct them. I will try not to make them. Everything that I do, I do with the best intentions and the thought that I am doing right by you. You will understand that when you are married and a mom yourself.

Above all else remeber that God loves you. That I love you. That dad loves you. That will never stop or change. NEVER

T Minus DD2 Day 8

My heart is full - God has filled that hole with his love. That doesn't mean you have been replaced; it means I have stopped hurting as much. I still have moments that overwhelm me to tears, emotions that bring me to my knees. I love you, more than you can fathom right now. I miss you, more than you can imagine. Hearing your voice the other day was the best/worst thing that has happened to me in a while. Your voice was like music in my ears.

A favorite song I hadn't heard in a while.

Lots of emotions rushed to my heart. I wanted to cry for hearing your voice speak to me with gentlesness and love, instead of anger and hatred, made me realize what has been stolen from me. I wanted to laugh because it sounded so good to hear your words in my ears. I wanted to scream because I hate that this is our reality, right now.

I know you could hear all the emotions in my voice as we spoke. I could hear them in yours too.

I want nothing more than to hear your beautiful, sweet song filling our house once again...

I miss you. I love you forever. No matter what. It is unfailing and unending. Remember that.

T Minus DD2 Week One (Day 7)

It's been a week. A hard week. A roller coaster of a week, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually.

Yes, spiritually. It has been a fight to not allow myself to just sink spiritually. It has been a fighting against waves that try to knock me down but I didn't let them. God strengthened me; He heard my pleas to Him that screamed 'Don't allow this to wreck me! You are my foundation and You are my fortress! I will chase after You like the woman with the issue of blood. I will not succumb to my circumstances but, I will pursue You, grab hold of You and allow Your healing power to flow!'

He as strengthened me. It has been a journey. No one ever said that becoming a Christian made your life immediately perfect. It just means that no matter what, with our focus on God, there is hope. Keep your focus on God. That is what I have been striving for this week. Focusing on acting, speaking and thinking in a way that brings honor to God's name. If I focused on myself that would make me selfish. It's not about me but Him.

That does seem hypocrytical doesn't it? Here I am with a blog writing about my life and the things that happen to me but it is not my focus. My focus is to write about my life, what my family is going through in our attempt to focus on God and to show how He will bring us through anything.

The past week has reminded me of perspective. My perspective vs God's. He did not spend all week pacing Heaven, wringing His hands with worry, wondering what to do next - not like I did. He knew this would happen and it says in His word what they intended for harm God purposed for good. One day this will be a fantastic testimony for God whether it be my testimony, DD2's testimony or OUR testimony! Either way, God will be given glory out of this whole ordeal.

*Side note: DH is on a business trip near where 5 of the kids live (including a DSIL1). He was able to visit with DD1 and DSIL1 yesterday and was even able to visit with DD2!!! She told him her classes and that she and DS2 have one class together, Cooking. he had a nice conversation with her, nothing deep, just nice...

...Thank you, God!

T Minus DD2 Day 6

Today was a hard day for me emotionally; I did wake up ok but, as the day progressed, and I did the few things that needed to be done, it got worse. I called Child Tax to let them know DD2 isn't with us anymore; my brain went numb and I couldn't remember my S.I.N. so they wouldn't help me. I had spent a total of 2 hours trying to call them today. Needless to say I hung up the phone mentaly drained by my conversation with them that resulted in nothing getting done until I get them my number.

Then I got the call from my "friend" that I mentioned earlier. It left me in tears and heartbroken. A real friend wouldn't disrespect me that way and it wouldn't be all about them either. I realized just how selfish they really are. I mean, I realized it before and have talked to her about it before but, I never really understood the depths of it before. They have somehow turned DD2 running away ALL. ABOUT. THEM! Since when does that affect them, other than needing to find someone else to look after her responsibility when she wants to do whatever?

I had a very lovely surprise tonight from some very dear friends of ours. Tonight there was a wedding shower for one of our friends; DH is out of town and I couldn't find a sitter so I made plans to do some snuggling with my kids. We ate supper: leftover hashbrown bake with McDonald's cheeseburgers. (Yes, I went though the drive through for cheeseburgers instead of cooking something to go with the hashbrown bake! There is nothing wrong with that {GRIN}) and were snuggling when the phone rang. My friend, Shar was wondering when I was leaving for the shower; so, I explained it all to her, said my "goodbyes" and resumed snuggling. Her husband offered to watch the kids for me so I could go and just "have some fun". He sent me off with a hug and with one of those "dad" looks that he gives me - the kind that you know he is looking right into your heart knowing exactly what you are feeling and thinking. So, we had fun.

I saw DD2's best friend there; she is hurting too. I don't know if DD2 really understood that magnitude of people that would be affected and wounded by her decision, and her lack of desire to be with them. DD2 has another friend, a deaf friend, who is heart broken the DD2 won't be there at school anymore. She has asked her mom, 'what am I going to do?'. DD2 was the one who would sign for her, translate for her and spent hours getting Laura to teach her more words so she can communicate better with her. She feels she will be lost this year.

It seems strange in our house; there's a huge void. Her lack of being there is quite noticable. The anger that seemed to fill our house, though, is gone too. I still want things to be like they were last Christmas before everything seemed to change. For my daughter to be with me...that will never change.

We have been hoping to go on a family trip this winter. It was somewhere I really wanted to go with DD2, something I know she & I would really enjoy. It won't be the same without her...

T Minus DD2 Day 5

Dear DD2,
Things are getting easier as each day passes. That doesn't mean we don't miss you to pieces and wish you were here, far from it, in fact. We miss you tremendously. It just means we (especially me) aren't overcome with grief every time we turn around. It means laughter with each other and the ability to joke are becoming less forced and more natural again.

It still hurts that you aren't here and there is still a void - there always will be but we have to respect that fact that you have made your decision and we will not live in grief the rest of our lives.

It has been (and still is) a process of dealing with a countless variety of emotions. I knew I would be sad you were gone, devestated even. Depressed at the extremes. I never knew that there would be times I was completely angry with you or feel betrayed by you. I do feel anger. I am angry that with everything we have been through in our lives I have never once thought of bailing on you, that I always stood fast for you, that there was never a doubt in my mind that, together, we could make it through anything. And there were tough things we had to deal with. We had to deal with the violence of your biological dad, with the fact that he never paid support which led us to many days of little to no food in our house. We dealt with so much together and it never once crossed my mind to just run. The minute things don't seem to go your way, what did you do to me? To us? You bailed out! That makes me angry (not all the time but it does make me angry).

I feel betrayed by you because for all I did to sacrifice for you, for us, you are, right now, too selfish to see what your behavior and decision are doing to us.

Having these feelings doesn't mean I hate you and it most certainly doesn't mean I am glad you are gone. I could never hate you nor be happy you chose to leave. It just means that I am coping with loss and emotions and feelings that I have to deal with.

I am angry because your choices are taking things away that I never dreamed would happen: like me being able to teach you to drive. I wonder what it will be like for your graduation. Will we be involved? Will I be able to do for you what I did for DS1 and DD1? Are you going to be going to Dad's ex-wife, since you live with her daughter, for things you should be coming to me for? Is she going to be spending more time with you then I will ever get to again?

And that turns the anger right back to sorrow and heartbreak again; I do know that someday, someway everything will be all right. That is between 'Amen' and 'There it is' but it's the waiting that is hard. I will not allow my faith to weaken in the mean time and I am fighting to stay strong.

I know you are safe and are being cared for; I hope you are healing and I hope the healing that comes to you will allow you to deal with all the bitterness and anger you have, that you will soften your heart again and that when I look in your eyes I will see my daughter. When I hear your voice I want to be able to hear my daughter.

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! ALWAYS!

T Minus DD2 Day 4

DD4 is sick today; she has a very high fever, is throwing up and is very needy, in a snuggly way. I can handle that; I can handle having my child want to be near me.

It seems like the days are getting harder as opposed to easier. Shouldn't it be getting easier? Shouldn't I be getting accustomed to the whole idea? It seems like grief has captured my soul right now. It is supressing my spirit. I can begin to sing praise songs to God but certain phrases or certain words just can't come out. I try but they just can't come.

I feel totally alone in this; I feel like I am not supposed to be bothered by the fact that she is gone. My friends don't acknowledge me or can't look me in the eye or they don't even mention DD2 - like she never existed or something. My DH keeps telling me to not allow this to get me, to keep my head up and to fight but, the minute I try to do that, he is telling me I can't put a shell up. Sorry, I can't do both. I know he is trying to help but, it isn't helping. I feel like I am supposed to just carry on like this doesn't bother me AT ALL.

I feel like a huge part of me is missing, like I am walking around and, oops, there goes my whole left side! I don't know how I will ever feel complete until I get my girl back. I. Want. My. Girl. Back!

I don't think she has any idea what she is doing to me, to DH or to her little brother and sister. I don't really know if she altogether cares right now. I haven't heard from her since the day she left when she called to let me know where she was. And because I haven't heard from her, sometimes it feels like she is dead and that this is just a coping mechanism. Only I can't cope. I know worse things have happened to people; I get that, but I do feel like I am drowning in my own grief here and I can't change how intense that feels. I want to - right now I can't.

DD2 is being selfish and I am so angry at her for that right now. Anger is one of the steps in the grieving process I guess but I go from wanting her back in my house so badly it hurts to wanting to scream at her for what she is putting us through. I get angry at her that I have these two lizards in my house that I have to care for, buy crickets for...lizards I never wanted in the first place but allowed them in my house 3 weeks ago, for her, because I LOVE her and she wanted them! I now have her stuff that she left in my house that I don't want to look at every day because I don't want to be reminded of her but I don't want it gone because that makes it even more real. Do you see what my poor husband gets to deal with right now? Yoyo lady at its most extreme.

I sometimes want to move DD4 into DD2's old room but I don't want to do that because I don't want DD2 to think we are glad she is gone. We most certainly are NOT glad she is gone! DD4's bedroom is not a bedroom; it is a room someone put up in our basement that has a window and a door. It has no closet and barely enough walking room once you get her bed and dresser in there. She could use an actual bedroom; you know, with space for her toys, for her. I am torn.

Today hasn't been a good day; 3/4 of it was probably spent crying.

T Minus DD2 Day 3

In the attempts to keep busy, to keep a sense of normalcy and to try to "move on" (which is what I have been told I must do "carry on; don't et depression kick in; you must continue to live your life as though she never left), we went as a family (meaning household members) to a neighboring city to spend some time together.

I needed to return an external hard drive thingy for the hard drive I have with all my pictures; ok, DH did because I know nothing about the practical side of computers (the technical, maintenance part) and so I never would have known what to buy.

We went to an Asian buffet where we just happened to run into DD2's biological dad; my heart filled with fear and dread, in fact, I couldn't breath. He was a mean man. I don't know if he saw me (I think he did) but he never acknowledged that he did and I am so grateful for that. I didn't even want to get up and get food for fear of having to deal with him...I did. Get up and get food that is. I was kinda proud of myself for being able to do that, even though DH told me I had better breath before I passed out in my vietnamese spring rolls.

We walked around one of the malls and I am kind of wishing we had chose another one to visit. You see DD2 and I lived in that city for many years and we spent many hours at that mall with our very dear friend and her son. Each nook and cranny held a memory of her beautiful blond curls, her big blue eyes and her infectious laugh, but I tried to not let those things bother me and, for the most part, it worked.

I think the worst thing for me was seeing all the mothers and daughters shopping together for new clothes and sitting at the food court, laughing over their snacks or their lunches. It ripped my heart right out. I wonder if I will ever get to do that with DD2 again. I wonder if she will ever love us enough again that we may do those things.

Don't tell DD4 and DS3 that I, like them, wonder if DD loves us, why she hates us and will she ever love us again. Don't tell them because I have nicely rehearsed answers for them to ease their young broken hearts and ever-questioning minds.

On the drive home I did what I always do, What DD2 and I spent the most of our time together doing in her younger years, I found shapes in the clouds. DH doesn't understand or appreciate the greatness of this game and was a tad bit thrown for a loop when I shouted "Fire breathing snail!" out of the blue. He thought I had truly lost my marbles.

Just for an FYI, by the time that "fire breathing snail" cloud had completley morphed, it had wound up looking like a dump truck dumping its load of whatever it had.

I thought some of you would appreciate that; you're welcome. DH just thought I was strange.

After my cloud watching, I dozed off, only to be waken with tears by the sudden realization that I am being ripped off of being able to teach DD2 how to drive, of the photo of the first time she is behind the wheel (not including the time she was 3 years old driving her uncle's farm truck), of seeing the joy on her face when she gets to tell me she passed her driver's test, of all sorts of things.

I wonder if we will ever be at a point where #1 I can just have a day with the kids and DH without some part of it being overwhelmed with grief, #2 she & I will ever be able to share those mother/daughter moments again, #3 if we will ever be able to participate in the many firsts she has left to experience and #4 if we will ever be invited to participate in any of the joys & sorrows her life will hold.

I am usually such a joyful, happy person and I am so frustrated that every part of my life seems laden with grief, guilt and dispair right now. I hate writing this sounding like a debbie-downer; yet I feel guilt when I re-read something that has a spark of joy or a hint of a joke.

I so don't like this new normal one little bit but, I don't exactly have a choice now, do I? I do want to start sharing some of the more fun things that happen in our lives too. I need to document those things as well; just know that when I started this blog to share the ups and downs of parenting I never knew it would turn so quickly into the chronicles of a mom coping with the emotions I am.

I have a very sick DD4 right now (fever/flu) so I am going to go do what I know I do well, when it comes to parenting, and snuggle her, rub her forehead and force her to eat soda crackers and drink gingerale. I will feel much less like a failure as a mom, at least momentarily.

T Minus DD2 Day Two

Yesterday I went to work; what could I do. If I stayed home, I knew that I would throw myself a terrific pity party complete with chips, dip, chocolate, and whatever fast food I could get my hands on. My heart tries to convince me to just mope around the house, to sit on my couch with a box of tissue in my lap and cry until I have turned myself insided out. (That may almost be possible; it has sure felt like I have come close a time or two.)



My two young children are having so much trouble understanding this. "Is she mad at us?", "What did we do wrong?", "Will we ever see her again?". Those questions have been heart breaking to hear and difficult to answer. "I don't know" is hard to give to someone who is looking to you for hope.



We are trying to fill their days with normalcy, as much as we can. DD4 went to a friend's house yesterday, had a birthday party and went bowling. It is difficult to rejoice over a bowling score of "75 and last time I had 43" when you just want to shout "I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK!!!! I did do my best and offered a high-five to the bowling 'champ'. DS3 went to Pa's house and played with him, Grandma and their dog. He woke up with a slight fever yesterday morning; it made his emotions very raw and intense.



The kids aren't eating much, but we are trying to get them to by making their big brother's "famous" dish - the only one he knew to make before he moved out.



I helped DD4 make her bed last night as it was a jumble of 80 lbs of blankets and another 90 of stuffed animals. As I was putting her animals at the end of her bed, she begged me, "Don't put Monka in with those guys." I have to admit I didn't really know who Monka is (she changes names to her animals more than I change socks); she explained to me that Monka is the Rescue Pet that DD2 gave her for Christmas last year and that she NEEDS to have her on her pillow and she NEEDS to sleep with her. She NEEDS to be close to DD2 and she feels this is the only way.



There are two pictures in our bedroom of the youngest 5 of our children (we have 7) and I wake every morning to my beautiful DD2's face smiling at me and there is joy in her eyes, and I cry because I miss her. Thought about moving them so I don't see them when I first open my eyes; you know, so I don't start every day with tears. I just can't seem to do it yet.



It did seem a bit "easier" yesterday - perhaps part of my brain has convinced me that she is working out at the farm or that she is at a friend's. I do think there will be another wave of grief once we are full fledged into school and regular schedules.

T minus DD2 Day One

Dear DD2,

It has been a full 24 hours (plus) since I have discovered you chose to leave us. It feels like years. I am glad you are safe and I am glad you are with family and I am glad that you felt you could call us to let us know where that was.

My heart left with you and so did my joy. I am fighting to find them again. I need them. Your sister and brother need me to have them. Dad needs me to have them.

I know you are angry at us and at God but I don't believe that you have turned your back on us. When you are ready, and you have been able to deal with the hurts, the resentment and the bitterness you feel, we will be here. WE are ALWAYS here! WE NEVER LEFT!!! We will always love you and that will NEVER, EVER stop.

We need to go on with living - for the sake of your sister and brother - but don't ever think that it is easy to do that without you! It isn't! AND IT NEVER WILL BE!

Love Mom