It's hard to say whether this visit is going good or bad or just as it should.
There's a lot of tension here.
It's really hard and heart breaking to sit in this house with my daughter and feel uncomfortable, awkward - to feel like strangers.
But we are.
I don't know who she is anymore.
She absolutely had to go to bed at midnight last night as she was "so tired" but, she ended up staying up until 5:30 this morning doing God knows what. Did she stay here? Did she sneak out? I don't know. There's nothing I can really do about it anyway - not right now.
She is loving her ability to flaunt all the things my mom buys for her - the things that I can't, at this time, buy for the members of my family. Things like a $50 bus pass (monthly), $40 nails (monthly), tanning beds, cell phone bill, brand name clothes (monthly), hair appointments and professional hair dye (monthly).
I will be honest, I am partially jealous. When I lived with my mom I never got any of those things and it makes me wonder, at times, why she loves Rush more than I?
She wanted to watch a movie with her brother. The movie she picked..."Finding Nemo". "Finding Nemo"! Seriously! I wonder if that was intentional to see what my reaction would be or if she just wasn't thinking. For those of you who are knew to reading my blog, you can find out here.
Is it wrong for me to just want things to be back to normal? To have my daughter curl up on the couch beside me, to be happy for me instead of distancing herself from me and trying to one-up me?
I'm trying to rejoice in the babysteps but I'm a mom and I just want my baby back!
Showing posts with label DD2 Letter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DD2 Letter. Show all posts
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, August 28, 2009
T Minus DD2 Day 9
Pastor says I blame myself for all of this, that I shouldn't. He's right.
I also have guilt.
Guilt for not giving you a life that made you happy, for our lives leading up to this not being perfect, for not having the knowledge I have now your whole life so you wouldn't be so confused (or whatever you are). I feel guilt for what I did to my dad when I left. Granted, he knew I was planning on going; it wasn't a surprise but still...I now know how he felt, how his heart was ripped from his chest. I understand why he said the things he did. Perhaps they could have been said differently but I understand why he said them. He never hated me - not even a little.
I can't hold onto this guilt and blame any longer; it is killing me. What good will I be to you, when you want to be a part of my life again, if I allow this to kill me? What good will I be to our brothers and sisters? What good will I be to Dad?
I am not perfect. I will make more mistakes than I all ready have. I will try to correct them. I will try not to make them. Everything that I do, I do with the best intentions and the thought that I am doing right by you. You will understand that when you are married and a mom yourself.
Above all else remeber that God loves you. That I love you. That dad loves you. That will never stop or change. NEVER
I also have guilt.
Guilt for not giving you a life that made you happy, for our lives leading up to this not being perfect, for not having the knowledge I have now your whole life so you wouldn't be so confused (or whatever you are). I feel guilt for what I did to my dad when I left. Granted, he knew I was planning on going; it wasn't a surprise but still...I now know how he felt, how his heart was ripped from his chest. I understand why he said the things he did. Perhaps they could have been said differently but I understand why he said them. He never hated me - not even a little.
I can't hold onto this guilt and blame any longer; it is killing me. What good will I be to you, when you want to be a part of my life again, if I allow this to kill me? What good will I be to our brothers and sisters? What good will I be to Dad?
I am not perfect. I will make more mistakes than I all ready have. I will try to correct them. I will try not to make them. Everything that I do, I do with the best intentions and the thought that I am doing right by you. You will understand that when you are married and a mom yourself.
Above all else remeber that God loves you. That I love you. That dad loves you. That will never stop or change. NEVER
Thursday, August 27, 2009
T Minus DD2 Day 8
My heart is full - God has filled that hole with his love. That doesn't mean you have been replaced; it means I have stopped hurting as much. I still have moments that overwhelm me to tears, emotions that bring me to my knees. I love you, more than you can fathom right now. I miss you, more than you can imagine. Hearing your voice the other day was the best/worst thing that has happened to me in a while. Your voice was like music in my ears.
A favorite song I hadn't heard in a while.
Lots of emotions rushed to my heart. I wanted to cry for hearing your voice speak to me with gentlesness and love, instead of anger and hatred, made me realize what has been stolen from me. I wanted to laugh because it sounded so good to hear your words in my ears. I wanted to scream because I hate that this is our reality, right now.
I know you could hear all the emotions in my voice as we spoke. I could hear them in yours too.
I want nothing more than to hear your beautiful, sweet song filling our house once again...
I miss you. I love you forever. No matter what. It is unfailing and unending. Remember that.
A favorite song I hadn't heard in a while.
Lots of emotions rushed to my heart. I wanted to cry for hearing your voice speak to me with gentlesness and love, instead of anger and hatred, made me realize what has been stolen from me. I wanted to laugh because it sounded so good to hear your words in my ears. I wanted to scream because I hate that this is our reality, right now.
I know you could hear all the emotions in my voice as we spoke. I could hear them in yours too.
I want nothing more than to hear your beautiful, sweet song filling our house once again...
I miss you. I love you forever. No matter what. It is unfailing and unending. Remember that.
Monday, August 24, 2009
T Minus DD2 Day 5
Dear DD2,
Things are getting easier as each day passes. That doesn't mean we don't miss you to pieces and wish you were here, far from it, in fact. We miss you tremendously. It just means we (especially me) aren't overcome with grief every time we turn around. It means laughter with each other and the ability to joke are becoming less forced and more natural again.
It still hurts that you aren't here and there is still a void - there always will be but we have to respect that fact that you have made your decision and we will not live in grief the rest of our lives.
It has been (and still is) a process of dealing with a countless variety of emotions. I knew I would be sad you were gone, devestated even. Depressed at the extremes. I never knew that there would be times I was completely angry with you or feel betrayed by you. I do feel anger. I am angry that with everything we have been through in our lives I have never once thought of bailing on you, that I always stood fast for you, that there was never a doubt in my mind that, together, we could make it through anything. And there were tough things we had to deal with. We had to deal with the violence of your biological dad, with the fact that he never paid support which led us to many days of little to no food in our house. We dealt with so much together and it never once crossed my mind to just run. The minute things don't seem to go your way, what did you do to me? To us? You bailed out! That makes me angry (not all the time but it does make me angry).
I feel betrayed by you because for all I did to sacrifice for you, for us, you are, right now, too selfish to see what your behavior and decision are doing to us.
Having these feelings doesn't mean I hate you and it most certainly doesn't mean I am glad you are gone. I could never hate you nor be happy you chose to leave. It just means that I am coping with loss and emotions and feelings that I have to deal with.
I am angry because your choices are taking things away that I never dreamed would happen: like me being able to teach you to drive. I wonder what it will be like for your graduation. Will we be involved? Will I be able to do for you what I did for DS1 and DD1? Are you going to be going to Dad's ex-wife, since you live with her daughter, for things you should be coming to me for? Is she going to be spending more time with you then I will ever get to again?
And that turns the anger right back to sorrow and heartbreak again; I do know that someday, someway everything will be all right. That is between 'Amen' and 'There it is' but it's the waiting that is hard. I will not allow my faith to weaken in the mean time and I am fighting to stay strong.
I know you are safe and are being cared for; I hope you are healing and I hope the healing that comes to you will allow you to deal with all the bitterness and anger you have, that you will soften your heart again and that when I look in your eyes I will see my daughter. When I hear your voice I want to be able to hear my daughter.
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! ALWAYS!
Things are getting easier as each day passes. That doesn't mean we don't miss you to pieces and wish you were here, far from it, in fact. We miss you tremendously. It just means we (especially me) aren't overcome with grief every time we turn around. It means laughter with each other and the ability to joke are becoming less forced and more natural again.
It still hurts that you aren't here and there is still a void - there always will be but we have to respect that fact that you have made your decision and we will not live in grief the rest of our lives.
It has been (and still is) a process of dealing with a countless variety of emotions. I knew I would be sad you were gone, devestated even. Depressed at the extremes. I never knew that there would be times I was completely angry with you or feel betrayed by you. I do feel anger. I am angry that with everything we have been through in our lives I have never once thought of bailing on you, that I always stood fast for you, that there was never a doubt in my mind that, together, we could make it through anything. And there were tough things we had to deal with. We had to deal with the violence of your biological dad, with the fact that he never paid support which led us to many days of little to no food in our house. We dealt with so much together and it never once crossed my mind to just run. The minute things don't seem to go your way, what did you do to me? To us? You bailed out! That makes me angry (not all the time but it does make me angry).
I feel betrayed by you because for all I did to sacrifice for you, for us, you are, right now, too selfish to see what your behavior and decision are doing to us.
Having these feelings doesn't mean I hate you and it most certainly doesn't mean I am glad you are gone. I could never hate you nor be happy you chose to leave. It just means that I am coping with loss and emotions and feelings that I have to deal with.
I am angry because your choices are taking things away that I never dreamed would happen: like me being able to teach you to drive. I wonder what it will be like for your graduation. Will we be involved? Will I be able to do for you what I did for DS1 and DD1? Are you going to be going to Dad's ex-wife, since you live with her daughter, for things you should be coming to me for? Is she going to be spending more time with you then I will ever get to again?
And that turns the anger right back to sorrow and heartbreak again; I do know that someday, someway everything will be all right. That is between 'Amen' and 'There it is' but it's the waiting that is hard. I will not allow my faith to weaken in the mean time and I am fighting to stay strong.
I know you are safe and are being cared for; I hope you are healing and I hope the healing that comes to you will allow you to deal with all the bitterness and anger you have, that you will soften your heart again and that when I look in your eyes I will see my daughter. When I hear your voice I want to be able to hear my daughter.
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! ALWAYS!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
T minus DD2 Day One
Dear DD2,
It has been a full 24 hours (plus) since I have discovered you chose to leave us. It feels like years. I am glad you are safe and I am glad you are with family and I am glad that you felt you could call us to let us know where that was.
My heart left with you and so did my joy. I am fighting to find them again. I need them. Your sister and brother need me to have them. Dad needs me to have them.
I know you are angry at us and at God but I don't believe that you have turned your back on us. When you are ready, and you have been able to deal with the hurts, the resentment and the bitterness you feel, we will be here. WE are ALWAYS here! WE NEVER LEFT!!! We will always love you and that will NEVER, EVER stop.
We need to go on with living - for the sake of your sister and brother - but don't ever think that it is easy to do that without you! It isn't! AND IT NEVER WILL BE!
Love Mom
It has been a full 24 hours (plus) since I have discovered you chose to leave us. It feels like years. I am glad you are safe and I am glad you are with family and I am glad that you felt you could call us to let us know where that was.
My heart left with you and so did my joy. I am fighting to find them again. I need them. Your sister and brother need me to have them. Dad needs me to have them.
I know you are angry at us and at God but I don't believe that you have turned your back on us. When you are ready, and you have been able to deal with the hurts, the resentment and the bitterness you feel, we will be here. WE are ALWAYS here! WE NEVER LEFT!!! We will always love you and that will NEVER, EVER stop.
We need to go on with living - for the sake of your sister and brother - but don't ever think that it is easy to do that without you! It isn't! AND IT NEVER WILL BE!
Love Mom
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