I watched "Finding Nemo" with my family, last night, for the first time since Rush decided to leave us; the night before she decided to grace BigB & I with a "final" good memory. She figured that the 3 of us would watch "Finding Nemo" together. It was a great night. I was totally duped by it. I thought things were going ok.
Last night I spent most of the movie crying - it just made me think of Rush and how she had the entire movie memorized and how certain parts just reminded me of what we have been enduring - watching your child being pulled away from you until you just can't see anything of them anymore, wanting so desperately to bring them back to you but having no idea how to start, feeling lost, empty and panicked.
I know that it is natural to have grieving moments but I really never imagined that Pixar would be the cause of one of those moments. It took me back to the good times we had with her where she would do something silly and respond with 'yes, I'm a natural blue' or spout off some other of her numerous "Nemo" quotes and it took me back to that last "good time" with her that I was so ignorant of, and back to discovering her gone and her goodbye letter to us that quoted Marlin when he was convincing Dory to leave him, that he wanted to be alone and she was upset: 'Of course I like you; it's because I like you that I can't be with you'.
I guess I don't get it. I guess I don't want to get it.
She doesn't want to be with us but at Thanksgiving she asked to come home. We, instead went to see her and she was a jerk to us, acting like she was perturbed we were even there. We left disheartened and heart broken. Four days later she emailed me, telling me she is taking time off work at Christmas and wants to know if she can come visit. Why on earth would she want to be with us when she can't even treat us nicely?
Can I be honest? We don't want her here after the way we were treated at Thanksgiving. We don't want that attitude brought into our house and making the kids that live here feel unwanted in their own home. I do want to spend time with her.
So...maybe I do get it. Her quote that is. I love her and I do want to be with her but I don't love who she has become. Make sense? And maybe if we show her tough love...?
I will quit rambling. Sorry.