Monday, November 16, 2009


That's right! Freedom! 
I am feeling like such a HUGE burden has been lifted from off of me!  For the last 3 months I have walked around like in a daze, functioning but not feeling, existing but not living, and it. is. gone!

This is the first time, since Rush left 3 months ago that I have felt a true joy  (other than when I was in the midst of a church service).  We have just concluded a conference at our church that was sparked (pun intended) by the Burn Confernece at Kansas City, Mo's World Revival Church In fact, if you go there and watch the "Lose your intimidation and fear" video, you will see me - in the purple shirt).

Anyway, I digress.  Our senior Pastor just went down to KC, Mo for their Burn Conference and upon coming back, wanted to carry on with what he had experienced.  This weekend we had our Burn Too (or Burn Two, depending on who you talk to) Conference and it was life. changing!

People's lives were impacted and transformed instantly, including mine.  That grief that had clutched on to me had been ripped off of me and I can not explain to you how different and free I feel!

Some of the things that I learned and that impacted me are listed below:
→ Church should be a place where you can EXPLODE in the power of God and not a place of poverty where you need/crave sympathy.
→ when you come into the tangible presence of God there will be a strength and an empowering.
→ God downloaded into me the scripture of 2 Tim 1: 6 (For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands.)

I have been fanning the wrong flame!  I have been dwelling on all the things I must have done wrong, all the things I should have, would have, could have done differently, and how Rush leaving was somehow all my fault.  You know what, I have done enough wrong in my life that I have actually done that I don't need to take on someone else's problems, mistakes, wrong-doings, whatever you want to call them.  Can you believe that I have even let myself think that if I had just made more cookies, more puffed wheat squares things wouldn't have come to this.  Silly, heh?  Because puffed wheat squares are going to change her attitude.

Now, I am not saying that I will never have days where I don't miss my daughter and I am not saddened by her leaving but, I am saying that the grief is no longer controlling me!  It will no longer run me! It will no longer hold me in bondage, sitting on my couch, lifelessly scrolling through websites without really looking at them just because the life and joy that was once inside me was gone!

It's ba-ack! The joy that is.  Woo hoo!

Fan the right flames in your life.  Don't fan those negative thoughts, those ill-will feelings towards others for little things they have done, or not done, or those thoughts that come into your mind that have no merit - just like me thinking puffed wheat cake could have kept Rush here. Just like a tiny ember being fanned into a full fledged, roaring fire, you dwelling on those things will consume you and it will eventually leave you as a pile of ashes waiting to be swept away and thrown in the trash - useless.

I am chosing to fan only those things that are good and pure and right, only those things that are godly and righteous and that will give honor to the God that I love, honor and adore - my noble King!


  1. Amen and Amen! I'm so happy for you!

    For the first time since Caleb died I have the urge to read God's Word again and to study the Bible more.

    I can't say that the grief is no longer controlling me. There are days where it seems to engulf me still, but slowly I am finding more joy, despite the grief.

    I have to keep eternally minded and remember that "life is but a vapor" (so short).

    Sleep well my friend :)
    With love and hope,

  2. I am soo happy to read this! I mean i don't know you, but i rejoice for you because i can relate, i've been there..

    May the peace that trancend all understanding embrace you now and forever :)

    God bless

  3. I am so happy that you have found this inner peace and that you are coming to terms with everything. I am so so thrilled that this burden has been lifted off your shoulders and you are no longer riddled with self-doubt and guilt. You deserve this peace and I am SO thankful you found it. Bless you, friend. :)

  4. Stopping by again to say hi! I know I've visited you before but I'm not sure if I've left comments. I'm now officially leaving a comment :)