I'm angry at myself for being afraid... afraid to swim afraid to learn...afraid.
I miss out on so much fun.
My husband, with the kids, in the deep end and diving off the board.
There I sit, in a corner, of the shallow end...a loser...inept.
They are in the lake, far beyond my comfort zone, and I turn back, wrap my towel around myself, bury my toes in the sand and try to forbid that hot tear from escaping.
Wednesday, August 7, 2019
I'm angry at myself for being afraid... afraid to swim afraid to learn...afraid.
Sunday, July 21, 2019
When one ingredient doesn't want to blend.... you know, like when you are making gravy and add the cornstarch or flour without making it into a rue first.... and then you wind up with lumpy gravy that doesn't appeal to anyone.
One of the children in our blended family has absolutely nothing to do their step parent's family. The only time this child gets involved is when materialistic fun comes into play. There is so much selfishness and zero acceptance or participation... As parent and step parent, this is heartbreaking to watch and to be subjected to. It is difficult to bear witness to the blatant disregard of our family unit...especially knowing how this child is ignored from the other side of their family when they are there.
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
I have dealt with one child not wanting me in their life and that lasted awhile, as I have written about here, but my middle child, the one who was abused, the one who has chosen to be a boy, the one one who has suffered with mental health issues and extreme anxiety and depression, has now expelled me from their life. I would love to say "for now" but I just can't say for certain.
The grief is similar to that of mourning the death of a loved one. My heart is shattered. I am wrecked. I can't recover from this....it will change me.
I can only hope that one day comes where I am welcomed back. Until then, I need to learn how to make the best of this new normal....
Sunday, May 5, 2019
How do I live under your shadow?
How do I continue to thrive?
How do I have limits and boundaries?
How can I even survive?
Your shadow haunts my fucking hallways,
A place where you have never been.
Every wilderness trail, shop, corner store...
This is getting damn well obscene.
I'm tired of the measuring stick at my door step.
So sick of everyone's need to compare.
Such bullshit nothing can just be ours.
My heart hurts from my despair.
Your presence invades my space daily;
I wish you'd please just give us space.
Does he even see me
Or does he still just see your face?
Thursday, April 4, 2019
I try to see the beauty of every day. There has to be at least one beautiful thing every day, right? That gorgeous sunrise or sunset that paints the sky. The hoar frost that blankets the trees. The sundog that wraps itself around the sun. The gleam in your love's eyes. The sound of a child's laughter rippling through the mundane....
But, honestly, there are days that shit doesn't cut it....somedays where it takes an awful lot to see beyond the bad - let alone the beautiful.
83 and I have a situation in our lives that likes to raise the ooglay bar more often than not, intentionally trying to zap each and every ounce of beauty in our lives. A parasitic situation that latches on with lockjaw strength. There were times we let the situation steal our joy...however, it never successfully tore us apart.
Lately, we have chosen to simply laugh at the idiocy of it all. Honestly, the shit that happens (and how laced it is with lunacy and illogicality and paranoia) is, from an outside perspective, hilarious at best.
We couldn't make the nonsense up if we tried... With great certainty, I'd bet money that the genius imaginations of the likes of J.R.R Tolkein and George Lucas could not fathom the mania nor how the bottom can fall right out of it and how quickly that can happen.
And so, we both struggled to find the beauty in those days. There is no beauty in irrational behavior, narcasstic patterns or entitled mindsets. So how did we decide to not allow it to zap our joy, peace and sanctuary?
We simply accepted that we are not responsible for the behavior or choices or even perceptions of anyone other than ourselves. If our motives are questioned and misinterpreted by ignorance, let it be so. If our behaviours threaten the insecurities of the unhinged, let it be so.
There is beauty in the knowledge that you are in control of the peace, joy and well-being in only the space you make up. Our responsibility is to keep our souls peaceful and protected, and to protect our home environment. Within the confines of our house is a space that welcomes friends and family, a space that is calming, restful and welcoming - filled with love and laughter.
In that space, we choose to find our beauty. Together, we strive to make it such by being watchful of the attitudes that walk through our doorway. Malicious, unapologetic, ill-willed people are lucky to make it to the step let alone gain access (although one such person likes to find ways to utilize naivety and youthful innocence to barge their way where they are not welcome when we are not home).
The long and the short of it is this, we have made a conscious decision to not allow others to rob our joy, to smell the flowers, to breath in the fresh air, to allow the mud to squish between our toes and to enjoy the beauty in the every day on this journey we walk together.
Is it always easy? Fuck, no. Sometime we need to be reminded what our priorities are for our lives. How awesome it is to be part of a relationship where it is rare for both people to be down at the same time; gentle reminders from the other encourage and strengthen. At times those gentle reminders sound more like "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or 'stop pouting". Haha.
When you get down to the nitty gritty there really is beauty in every day....it just depends if we decide to feed the ugly or feed the beauty. I would rather feed the beauty.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Who am I?
Something I have been rediscovering the last 6 years.
I spent almost 2 decades being told what music I could (or could not) listen to (in fact, I was made to burn all my music), what food I liked, what clothes I was to wear, how I was to respond to people, who I could or could not spend time with, and what my demeanor would be....just to name a few...
6 years ago, I found myself looking at my reflection in the mirror and having absolutely no idea who I was.
I reflected...a lot. I went back to what I enjoyed as a kid. It had to be a good starting point. As a child, I spent every minute I possibly could outside - with the animals in the pasture, exploring the woods and the creeks and watching the beavers build their dams, getting on my horse after breakfast and wandering through the woods until supper, climbing in the round bales, making forts and tunnels in the bales (much to the dismay of my parents and grandparents), nestling in the straw piles beside the calves, berry picking, trying to stalk deer to capture pictures of them or any other wildlife, making boats out of scrap wood and sailing them down the run off, listening to the wolves howling and lulling me to sleep....you get the idea.
I adored that time, found it peaceful and rejuvenating.
Back to nature I went and rediscovered the love I have always had for the magic of the outdoors.
I went back to the music that had become my anthems as a teenager. I found myself on a path that empowered me once again and I evolved from there.
My art.... I discovered painting. I just can't seem to draw as I once had. I wrote and wrote. It helped me process - just as it always had. The writing of words is cathartic and healing for me. Now, I just need to tap open that valve in my soul from whence poetry flowed...
Surround me with nature in my home: driftwood, rocks, gemstones, shells, sand, the warming glow of candles, the welcoming greenery....
I discovered yoga and the healing power of what I call "zen music".
I'm back to taking pictures of pinecones and moss, clouds and lightning, wildlife and flowers....
I've rediscovered (and am still discovering day by day) who I am. I'm a beautiful mix of heavy metal and yoga, happiest outdoors (be it in the middle of a forest or beside crashing waves near the ocean), capturing life through my camera, berry picking, canning, baking, extroverted introvert homebody