Lockdown

Thursday evening I read about the school Rush attends being locked down on an on-line paper for our area. Some of you, unfortunately, know the meriad of thoughts that bombard your thought process and your rational thinking at that moment.

Why hadn't I heard from her yet? Were they still in lockdown? Had something gone disasterous? I had to "talk myself down" into a place of knowing, of rational thinking and take hold of those terrible thoughts penetrating my mind before they ran away with my logic. Someone would have contacted us somehow...

6 boys, not from her school, went there, brandishing items in threatening ways to induce fear...upon detaining them it was discovered most of these items were harmless. One boy, however, had a machete hidden on his person...a machete? Like for real? Rush has also heard that there was a gun, or guns, involved.

Our encounter of it is all hearsay or what the media shares, as, unbeknownst to us, Rush was not at the school that afternoon; she was, in fact, safely at her job, completely unaware herself of what was happening at her own school.

{Cue big sigh of relief}

For those new to reading or if you may have forgotten, Rush is my daughter who our relationship with was severed for a bit and who had left home.

She did not feel nor witness the fear, the chaos, the confusion...

So thankful...

That was close (and a PSA)

This afternoon we were on our way to the city Rush, my mother and step-father live in to go have a Christmas supper with them.  Everyone was excited and anticipating a great visit.

As we drove we pulled up behind a car that was being driven a little um, unsafely, so B.D. decided he could just whip around it. Just as we pulled out we hit a stretch of glare ice on the highway, our traction control kicked in and he lost control of our car.

At that moment we should have rolled our car down the embankment of the "on-coming traffic lane" but we did not.  B.D. tried regaining control of the car but to no avail. We then did a 180, slide backwards for a few yards and began to do yet another 180. As my window was passing the driver of the other car's window, we made eye contact with each other in an incredibly strange & eery moment that seemed to last minutes instead of mere milliseconds. We tapped, yes, tapped the very corner of her back bumper, spun out of control again, did another wierd spin of some kind and wound up half buried in the ditch of the lane on the highway we were headed in the first place.

The girl of the Charger (the other vehicle) spun out of control, rolled down the embankment of the ditch we should have initially gone down and totalled her car. When all the snow cleared, we found her bottoms up near the tree line of the ditch. She has some minor scratches and bruising but is otherwise (currently known to us) fine.  We were all bumped around and, obviously, frightened but let me tell you something.  The only damage to our car is two minor chips in the paint and a small corner in one of the signal lights chipped out.

As we play the accident out in our heads now, it really could have played out a lot differently and with fatal results for the members of both vehicles.

Our city lost a police officer yesterday because of a similar accident; he was 30 some years old. We mourn his passing and the loss his family and our city has endured with the loss of an incredibly wonderful police officer.

We are stiff and sore; Bug & I moreso than Jellybean and B.D. but we were both on the passenger side of the car and absorbed most of the bouncing, jostling and banging around. Tomorrow may be difficult for sore muscles to raise us out of bed but I am grateful for such a little problem.

On our way home, after being pulled out of the ditch from the tow truck driver, our car overheated. When we stopped & opened the hood to see what was the matter, our engine was PACKED with snow.  With both B.D.  & I digging out the snow, we were stopped on the side of the road for a half an hour. 

Wait time buried in the ditch was an hour and a half; ten minutes later "stranded" on the side of the road for another 30 minutes.  Here is where my Public Service Announcement comes in: When you are traveling ALWAYS, ALWAYS, AWAYS keep a winter survival kit in your car!  We were fortunate that we had brought the kids' snowpants, had a sleeping bag and made them remember the toques and mitts.  Besides that though: granola bars, candles, water, flashlight, batteries, etc.  For a more comprehensive and professional list look here (remember though that this list is geared toward Canada but I am certain it would come in very handy for at least the northern States!)

When I Grow Up

Wednesday was J's last day of school for the year. She is now in grade 12. Wow...another one almost done high school. Yikes! Really where does the time go? I met J when she was in grade 6 and I have watched her grow from a shy awkward 11 year old to this beautiful, graceful 17 year old who is now in the final year of her life, really, at home. There are so many big steps coming her way and she realized this on Wednesday.

After getting out of her final grade 11 final exam, J went and had herself a good old panic attack. You know what I'm talking about: the hyperventilating, the sweating, the thoughts that ramble out of your mouth without you really focusing on what you are saying:

"I'm in grade 12"

"I don't know what I want to be when I grow up." (reassuring friend says"It's okay you still have a year to decide.")

"Not if I want to go to college. I'll have to apply and what about scholarships and I'll have to apply and what am I gonna do.....?"

At this point we all know that the typical thing to do would be to slide down the wall in the smelly high school hallway and crumple on the floor. (Are you thinking back to that moment?) And that is just what she did. Panic attack over, J is doing fine now; she needed a few minutes and a few deep breathing exercises. The eery feeling of the unknown has subsided...for now.

Now, I, on the other hand, have just realized that Rush has just finished grade 6. If you remember that is when I met J and it sure doesn't seem like that long ago and she is on the verge of getting her wings. Do you know what that means? Are you anticipating what is coming next...?

Me hyperventilating?

Me breaking out in a cold sweat?

"She's gonna be in grade 12 soon?"

"What am I gonna do when she grows up?" (reassurance from child,"I'll visit mom")

I remember when she was 5 and told me she would never, ever leave me and that she would live with me forever with her husband, her kids, her dog, her cat, her horse and her gorilla. Yes, gorilla. (Wow, I wonder where she gets her "lets plan a million years in advance" idosyncrasy from...don't look at me. I'm serious....not me. )

This only means one thing. "What," you may ask. I have to cherish my Rush and every little moment I have with her. We have gone through a lot, Rush & I. For a while, we were all we had. We have gone through scary times with her biological dad; we have gone through times when we were so poor she was the only one eating most days. We have gone through times when I thought I was going to lose her, like when she had pneumonia really bad and we have gone through times where we would just snuggle on the couch and tell wonderful, beautiful stories of where we would go, what we would do, see and eat as we went off on gorgeous vacations together in our imaginations.

I need to stop being so "busy" and enjoy the time I have with my kids (all 7 of them); it's been a really long time since Rush & I have gone on one of our special vacations. Jellybean & I have never gone on one and I think she is just the right age to start. Pretty soon she will be wanting to save money for going to school and telling me what she will do when she grows up...
 
(originally posted on June 24, 2005)

Oh no she di'int!

Oh but I did!  I really, really did!  And it wasn't fun!  And it made me cry!  And I had to not go into work and that really stinks. But my friend made me grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup, then read me funny joke emails and made me chai tea and I feel much better.

What did I do?  Oh, I thought I told you.  I didn't?  Well...maybe I'll tell ya tomorrow...

Nah!  I'm just teasing. Don't take that tone of attitude with me!  I see you looking at your screen makin' those mad faces.

Let's just say that there is a police car parked in front of my house and I just had a friend call me to make sure I was ok and not in any trouble.

Now I really have you curious.

Ok, don't make lines!  Smooth faces!  Happy faces!

As I went to pick up Jellybean from school one of the boys I watch in the afternoons locked the door knob of our outside door.  No big deal, right?  WRONG!  Our door knob lock is broken and we can only lock our deadbolt or we cannot get into our house.  My husband is gone this week.  He didn't even have cell phone coverage.

What could he have done? Given me advice maybe.  Told me it will all work out. Know how bad my week has been so far (all because of one afternoon) and buy me something fabulous.  Oh yeah, he's in the boonies - nothing fabulous to purchase out there only some fabulous people and I have all ready locked enough people out of my house thankyouverymuch!

I did my best to take care of the situation myself.  I went to a friend's to see if they had a ladder. Nope. I went to my dad's, borrowed his ladder, climb said ladder and attempted to pry the screen off a window with my car key.  I wasn't quite tall enough.  Went to another friend's house to use their phone (you know 'cuz mine was sitting on the table beside my wallet INSIDE my house.  Called work.  Told them I may not make it in as I would probably be waiting for a locksmith plus I was still in my paint clothes from work this morning and had yet to eat supper anything all day.

Several calls to my husband hoping he was back to the hotel where he is staying and has cell coverage.  Nope.  The tears welled up again for the...I don't know how many times I cried, almost cried or bawled this afternoon.  I sorta lost count.

A call to another friend; his voicemail box was full.  I couldn't even leave him a message!

I didn't want to call my dad for help.  My dad hurt his arm a few years ago, has had several surgeries to fix it and is, as of yet, unfixed. He can only do a desk job for 3-4 hours a day and I HAD to call him to come help me.

He broke into my house rescued this damsel in distress by climbing a ladder, shimmying into the window, falling onto the floor (which was probably covered by lego and other non-soft toys to land on) and unlocking my door. I thanked him 100 times, told him that even when we are 35 years old sometimes the only man a girl can count on is her daddy, questioned him several times to see if he was ok and gave him the "hug test" (you know, put some pressure on that arm to see if he grimaces.  He passed).

I went back to my friend's house to get my kids and she made us that wonderful supper of chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese (boy cheese for Bug) sandwiches.  Thankfully, there were no more tears.

I am now safe in my very own house, on my very own couch with my very own laptop.

I just hope that police car is parked in front of my house because of something the neighbors did (and not that it was because they called them to let them know someone  broke into my house).  But it has been bit since I started this post and they are still not knocking on my door so I am pretty sure I am safe.

If they do knock, I am so ratting out my dad though!  If I go down, he's going with me!  {grin}

So?  What did you do today?

Here comes the rain

We had a huge thunderstorm last night; huge! One like I haven't seen in a few years. It was powerful and it was intense!

The thunder was crashing and the lightning cut through the night, and then it came, like a completion of the sky personifying exactly what I feel; the sky opened up and wept - a gut wrenching cry. And as it wept, I felt a release like when I was in high school standing at the top of the train bridge pouring out my heart's cries in the safety of a storm just like this. The odd thing was there was a stillness just before the sky broke open and allowed the rain to fall, like the heaviness just before a tornado.

It's not gone; the grief that is, but there was a release.

I feel like I am being tossed in the relentless waves of the ocean right now, in the wake of a storm. To and fro. To and fro. Flailing like a rag doll. Going under, being thrown around but I must fight.

I am sure the disciples felt much like this during their storm and I think they were just about to admit defeat when Jesus came and stilled the water. I admit defeat. I can't do it. I need Jesus to come, to still the waters.

I cried most of the night last night during that storm and awoke to a beautiful, sunny day. The Bible does say that joy cometh in the morning and that our mourning shall turn to gladness. It also says that we will get back what has been stolen from us at maximum return. I am banking on that. I am counting on the sorrow being replaced by joy(multiplied). I am holding God true to His word because I know that He does not lie! His promises are yes and amen.

FYI: I hate the "ugly cry" hangover. You don't know what the ugly cry is? You know, that cry that comes from your toes, that makes your face screw right up, the one where it controls you and not you it? You all know there's a cute cry, a not-so-cute cry and the ugly cry. I spent the night doing the ugly cry and the ugly cry hangover is worse than any alcohol related hangover I remember having as a young person - way worse!

Lost

It seemed another normal day when I woke up this morning. I had had a great night last night with DH and DD2 watching a movie; we laughed and joked. It seemed normal, like it used to be.

I got ready for work, had to leave early; I had a chiropractor's appointment. I instructed DD4 to let her sister sleep until 8:30, then go wake her. I walked to my car, humming a little tune. A decorative box in the front yard caught my attention. A voice told me to look in DD2's bedroom window. I did. My heart left my body and it has yet to return. Her bedding was gone. I ran to a small town called PANIC! (Thankfully I was eventually able to leave PANIC but was relocated to a desert called DESPAIR.)

DD2 is gone; she left notes, and her lizards. I don't want the lizards! I want her!

It took the whole day to find out where she is. That whole day seemed like a lifetime. Three sets of our parents were with me throughout the course of the day; that kept me strong for DD4 and DS3. They made me eat. I didn't want to.

Every siren I heard belonged to DD2. Every car held her belongings. Around every corner lurked her shadow.

She feels she was a bad influence on her little brother and sister. She feels we don't want her. She feels she can not measure up. She wants nothing to do with God right now and we do; she feels this causes us heartbreak. She is right about some of those things but two of them she is dead wrong about.

We do want her and she can measure up! We know people make mistakes but she thinks the ideals we have are strictly enforced. She has put pressure on herself to be those things she thinks we want and, we have, most probably, put pressures on her we had no idea we had.

This is not just her doing. We have made mistakes. We are not perfect either and, according to the parenting stick, fall pretty short ourselves. She does hold a lot of resentment and bitterness towards a lot of people in this community, including us.

Perhaps, for her, it is better that she is not here - get away from everything and everyone. Is it better for us? No. We are lost. All of us. Me. Her dad. Her grandparents. Her little brother and sister. The family cat... We are all lost.

DD2 is in a place that we know, that loves her, that will take care of her and that she should be able to thrive and heal in; her older sister's. Perhaps it is only temporary.

Without my girl

I am LOST!