A picture from the baby shower

Only one but only because Blogger is not loading them from picassa very well right now.

 Enjoying snuggles and love with her grandma (yep, that would be me.) She has three grandmas after all, but this picture - all me and my girl.

 BabyK and Jellybean reacted quite epically to the baby food tasting/guessing game. Do I need to inform you that they were thoroughly disgusted by them all or do their faces display their disdain for this culinary "delight"? Oh, except for the Strawberry Dessert... they liked the Strawberry Dessert...

...just not enough to want a jar in their lunches. {grin}

Last minute guest

has left me silent, enjoying her company...

Alas, I must take her to the bus depot in 30 minutes and that makes me sad.

Yes, folks, Rush was here for two days. We visited, laughed, ate lemon meringue pie and cooked one of her favorite suppers: meatball stroganoff (of which she made this comment: my stomach can't keep up with what my mouth wants)

It was a nice visit. No strife. No awkward moments. She opened up to me about a lot of things that are going on at my mother's house and they are all the things I knew would because sometimes when you are young, you have an idea of how people will be and it's nothing like what they really are. Just saying...

Love being with her!

Textanese... my love language

You just made a face at your computer didn't you?  You know what kind of face I mean... the one that says "huh" and "that's kind of intriguing"...

Rush doesn't always initiate conversations with me.  If it weren't for texting and facebook I doubt we would talk - other than the spuradic visits that is. Sometimes it does seem like she could just keep going on without showing me that she is thinking of me at all. 

Now, I am not saying that to induce your mama's hearts so y'all feel sorry for me.  I am not looking for pity at all; pity does me no good.  I tell you this because I just want to set the stage as to why I said that textanese was my love language.

I will send texts to my girl everytime I think of her - a little note that says "I love you", "you are loved", "missing you", "morning/night", "have a great day"...  I may not have the ability to converse with her the way I want but I do still have the ability to converse with her and I want to make sure she knows each and every time I am thinking of her and that those thoughts are of nothing but unending, unchanging love.

{Rush, if you ever read this blog, you are loved - nothing is ever going to change that. I love you, baby girl!}

Signs my children are growing older

My youngest son, Bug, just finished studying for his first school exam EVER.  It is in Social Studies.

Jellybean just spent the evening cleaning and re-organizing her room.  She did a fabulous job! She even threw stuff out and for this de-cluttering mama, she made my heart skip a beat. {wink}

Rush is preparing to go to a kegger.  She thinks I don't know. HaHa!

Jellybean has begun doing her own laundry and has been doing a great job of it - other than banging the heck out of the top of the washing machine, thinking it was broken when all along she simply had not pulled the button out.

Bug has been going through growing pains of his own - with choosing who he should and should not spend a lot of time with, as far as influences.  Yes, some of you might think that at 7 years old there is no way we should be putting that on him and, in a sense, you are correct.  However, we will sit with him and discuss things and ask him questions to see if he thinks they are really people he wants to spend a lot of time with.  We never tell him he can't spend anytime with them but we get our children to decide if they like the person they are, things they do and attitudes they come home with if they spend too much time with particular people and then we get them to figure out if they think they should spend less time with them or not.  I don't think it is ever to early to guide your children into personal accountability. {thoughts?}

Note: I've been quite busy lately - mainly "mind busy" and I notice that I really haven't been my usual funny self.  I've said this before but it was coming back... I don't know if I am feeling pressure to write so I just write and don't worry about what I say or what but I wanna get the fun back in dysFUNctional. {grin}



Anywhoodles, I am going to bed.  Tomorrow begins the start of a new week, new adventures, new projects and new visions... I may need my rest. {wink}

My heart is breaking

and I just can't seem to get control of my emotions or my heart right now.  I am writing this raw.  Straight out of the moment.  I will apologize in advance for things I say that don't sound like they are founded in faith or hope right now.

I have been trying to get my daughter to visit us all summer.  She keeps telling me she has no way out here so I made arrangements with B.D. that we would go get her.  Now she is too committed to babysit my nephew for free than to come here for two day. I am so choked at  my sister right now!  I hate that this part of my life has come to this.  I hate that my daughter is not a part of my life! I hate that I know the guy down the street better than my own daughter! I hate that my heart is breaking and it seems like there is no hope she will ever really be part of my life again...

I love Rush.  She was appropriately named.  Her name means "to hold dear : feel or show affection for; to entertain or harbor in ones mind deeply and resolutely". She is one of the best things that has ever happened to me so WHY does it have to hurt this much to have her in my life?  Does my heart really have to be broken in a million pieces for the rest of my life?  I miss my daughter so much! I can't do this! I just can't!!!!!

Today is supposed to be a day of celebration.  Today is Bug's 7th birthday party.  Today is supposed to be all about him!  I have to pull myself together, get off this pity party train and be the best mom I can be. I need to stand strong, rise up and be.

This time last year

I was planning a HUGE Sweet 16 bash for Rush.  We were going to go to the spa and eat lindor chocolates and grapes and cheese and crackers and have massages. 

And we did...

We bought her a beautiful daughter pride ring - because we are proud of her.  We invited family over for pizza. 

I wanted her to have the best Sweet 16 party she could ever imagine.  I had been planning what I would do for my girl's special birthday since she was, well, about 6 months old.

16 days later she ran away from home and we have seen her about 5 times since.

It still hurts.  Usually just somewhere deep down in some managable area of my feelings, it is slightly there just sort of "reminding" me.  Sometimes it is a nagging feeling that will throw thoughts at me or memories or something like that.  Today, I am being bombarded by thoughts, memories, feelings, fears.  Like, take this one for example, I was watching Bride Wars with my kids' babysitter and my mind went to thinking "Will I ever be a part of my daughter's wedding? Do I get to help her plan stuff ? Be involved? Or am I just some side line person as she builds the relationship we should be having with my mother?"

Trying to hold these thoughts captive and not dwell on them.  It is difficult at times, like today, but I know that I have the strength.  No matter the circumstances, no matter the cost, I focus on God first and foremost but I do miss my girl.  I miss walking in the rain storms with her, laughing 'til we almost pee our pants, having someone to watch "chick flicks" with,  having someone to go shopping with and eating chocolate explosion cake...

Rush, I miss you.  I want you to come home.  I love you!  You are my pride and joy and, whether you realize it or not, you took more of me with you than you wanted to (when you left).  You took my heart.

SURPRISE!!!!! and other tidbits

It has been a great week!  We have been busy.

Tuesday morning Jellybean's bike was stolen.  Surprise! Not a good surprise but a surprise all the same.  Her uncle took her and a couple other of the children here to look for it but no dice.  However she was certain that she saw it Wednesday at a house just down the street from us.  Yesterday B.D. and a couple other guys went to get a closer look.

Why so many guys to go get a bike?  In this neighborhood, you never know what kind of person is living in any given house.  We range from little grannies/grandpas to hard-working class family folk to drug dealers and gang members or gang member wanna-bes.  I am most scared of the wanna-bes; they don't even follow the "laws" of the street in order to get noticed by gangs.

Anywho, they were able to get Jellybean's bike back.  Yes it was hers.  How do I know for sure.  I took a picture of the back of her bike and have a picture of the serial number on my laptop and that was exactly what my husband told the City Police when they asked him what proof he had that this was Jellybean's bike.  His response?  "Well, ok then. You take your daughter's bike back {big grin}."

--------------

Tuesday we went to The City to get our passport forms in and were able to see Rush for a bit.  It was nice to see her. It certainly did this mama a world of good.

---------------

I decided a few days ago that I was tired of my family just making enough.  That is what we have been doing this last two years "just getting by" with enough money to pay our bills, our rent, the kids' school fees and have food on the table. 

So, today I have an interview for a part time job with a doctor's office where I will (potentially) be making more than minimum wage and will be able to have "extra" money each month.  This means we will not be having to save up knowing we need to repair a vehicle or when we notice that the kids have outgrown their clothes or if a birthday party is coming up. 

--------------

Two very dear young men have moved back to our city.  Two boys who are like family to this one and they both came home yesterday.  It was a happy day.

-------------

Now, to start preparing for this interview...

All boxed in

Yes, we are all moved.

Had a floody yard sale on Saturday.  It rained and it rained and it rained.  We moved it into the living room of the old house.  Considering the weather, the outcome was not so bad.  $358 and some odd cents.

It was odd watching my stuff leave in someone else's hands but I will not be attached to things.

Told my husband we will never again have so much crap in our house!  EVER!!!

Circumstances beyond my control made it so I can't go see Rush two days in a row. She's mad at me - calling me a promise breaker. I really can't help it; my car broke down. I'm devastated and heart broken....

The boxes are piled up in my basement and in my kitchen.  They are slowly being managed and emptied.  It would make me happier if they would empty faster...

and on that note, I need to get back to work.

Dear Hallmark

You have a card for most situations.  Today, I would like to thank you that you do NOT have a card suited to the situation we faced this weekend.  At least, I really hope you don't.  That would be sick!

Rush came to visit for the weekend.  She arrived on the bus Friday night at 8:30, came to Manville to help out and, mainly to visit.  We got home, visited and went to bed at midnight.  When B.D. & I woke up Saturday morning, we were pretty certain Rush had snuck out of the house during the night (and come back in the wee hours of the morning).

Rush left our house, suddenly, at 5:30 this morning.  We had our suspicions to keep an ear open while we slept Saturday night. 4:30 this morning something woke B.D. & I suddenly & completely from our sleep.  B.D. went outside as he had set up a way to determine if Rush had left again. He then went downstairs to the room we had set up for her.

Much to our, somewhat, surprise, there in the room with her was a boy she had snuck in and was sleeping with.  I can not begin to explain to you what my heart felt like at that moment. 

Rush decided, at that point, that she was leaving. We made her say goodbye to Jellybean and Bug as there was NO way she was leaving on them in the middle of the night again; we also made her say goodbye to her girlfriend she had asked to sleep over but made to sleep on the couch (while she slept on a queen sized air bed).  As she came to say goodbye to me, I gathered the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I had made her, the puffed wheat cake I had wrapped up for her and the chocolate bar and vitamin water I bought for her bus ride home, told her I had made/bought these things for her and wanted her to have them.  She set them down and cried in my arms while saying 'sorry'.

I. am. devestated. heartbroken. lost.

*Disclaimer: I know I have tried approaching this with a bit of humor but, I have come to realize that if I allow this to consume me or haunt or destroy me.

Hard to say

It's hard to say whether this visit is going good or bad or just as it should. 

There's a lot of tension here. 

It's really hard and heart breaking to sit in this house with my daughter and feel uncomfortable, awkward - to feel like strangers.

But we are.

I don't know who she is anymore.

She absolutely had to go to bed at midnight last night as she was "so tired" but, she ended up staying up until 5:30 this morning doing God knows what.  Did she stay here?  Did she sneak out?  I don't know.  There's nothing I can really do about it anyway - not right now.

She is loving her ability to flaunt all the things my mom buys for her - the things that I can't, at this time, buy for the members of my family.  Things like a $50 bus pass (monthly), $40 nails (monthly), tanning beds, cell phone bill, brand name clothes (monthly), hair appointments and professional hair dye (monthly). 

I will be honest, I am partially jealous.  When I lived with my mom I never got any of those things and it makes me wonder, at times, why she loves Rush more than I?

She wanted to watch a movie with her brother.  The movie she picked..."Finding Nemo".  "Finding Nemo"!  Seriously!  I wonder if that was intentional to see what my reaction would be or if she just wasn't thinking.  For those of you who are knew to reading my blog, you can find out here.

Is it wrong for me to just want things to be back to normal?  To have my daughter curl up on the couch beside me, to be happy for me instead of distancing herself from me and trying to one-up me?

I'm trying to rejoice in the babysteps but I'm a mom and I just want my baby back!

Dream a little dream for me

Rush is definitely coming for a visit this weekend!  She is taking the 6:30 bus which means she will arrive at the bus station in our city at about 8:30 tomorrow night.


I am looking forward to this weekend and anything that it does bring. 

I'll keep you updated but it may not be until Monday.  I am going to spend as much of my time with my girl as I can.

4 more days or T-minus 8 months

Today marks 8 months since I woke up and found Rush had run away from home. In those 8 months, I have grown and changed a lot. I never imagined I would be able to face another day with strength or joy.

I have. Sometimes...  I miss my daughter.... I don't go a day without thinking of her.

Snow Flurries and Blowing Winds

cause cancellation of visit with Rush this weekend.  All involved, including Rush are disappointed by the events that transpired. 

In other news, she seemed like she really wanted and needed her mama this weekend after having a boyfriend (we "knew" nothing about) break up with her.

Baby steps.

My wandering heart

Yesterday afternoon, for 2 hours, Rush sat with me in the same room for the third time since running away from home.  The first time was, by far, the hardest, the most awkward, the most painful.  The second time was, a bit, easier.  The first day of that second visit was great; she snuggled with the kids and laughed with us, and let her guard down.  The second day of that second visit couldn't end soon enough.  She put up a wall and began speaking to us all with arrogance and, almost, hatred in her voice.

Yesterday she came with my mom to visit.  It has gotten easier.  It is still awkward.  It is still painfull, especially when it is time for her to leave because I want to scream at her that she can't go, that she belongs here, that this is her home.

Rush had a really good talk with BigD yesterday - just the two of them.  I haven't had that chance yet.  That chance to spend one-on-one time with her.  (I don't know if she wants it with me.  Yet!)  He apologized for his shortcomings as a father; he let her know there is always a place here for her - always! He talked to her about her need to pay off the restitution she owes to her first employer when she stole almost $1500 from them.  The important thing is that they talked.  She did not get defensive; she did not tune him out.  She did not reject his words.  She talked back with him. She asked his advice on a couple things.  She allowed him to be her dad.  There was a beginning there.  She told him that she still believed in God and that  brought so much hope for us.

Now, it's my turn.  I am wanting to save up some money and drive to the city she lives in with my mother and step-father, and I want to take her out to a really nice place to eat.  Not some chain family restaurant because chances are it will be loud and it will be too cluttered for us to spend time just being with (just) each other.  I want to show her that I have been changed by her leaving.  I want her to know that everything I have done in my life, whether it has been right or wrong, has been done because I thought, at the time, it was best for her.  My over-reactions and emotional outbursts were because I wanted something more for her and for my other children.  All that I did was for the sake of my family, with my children at the heart of those decisions. But I also want her to know that I am sorry for the wrong decisions I made - even though their intentions were honorable.

It has been terrible being without her.  It was her and I for so long.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss my girl.  Yes, I am functioning, doing all sorts of things, being happy, laughing but in the midst of the life I am living and the things I am doing, I am missing her, thinking how great it would be if she were there with me, imagining her at my side doing things together. There is almost always an underlying thought process about her.  I would be lying if I said there wasn't.

It is not a mourning though.  Well, perhaps it is a mourning but not a mourning I have ever gone through.  I am not constantly sad, depressed or moping.  I am doing things; I am laughing.  I am living and doing more than the merely existing I did when she first left.  Now that doesn't mean that a part of my heart isn't wandering around a city I don't live in, walking the halls and the classrooms of a school I have never been in, laughing with friends I have never met or living a life I am not entirely part of. 

A piece of my heart does do just that but it does that with all my children.  I have 7.  One is a recently divorced young man living down in Kansas City, MO and a part of my heart wanders Kansas City with him as he works, as he rebuilds...  Another part of my heart wanders the hospitals that my newly wed daughter works at, wanders her small town community...  Another part wanders with the two children who still live with their mother, who I have not been able to see much of lately - a teenage boy who is never at home, who never tells his mom where he is going, whose mom doesn't care where he is going or who he is with, who wanders at night with friends I have never met doing who really knows what...my heart wanders with him.  And it wanders with his sister, who now doesn't have Rush with her, knows not where or what her brother is up to - my heart wanders with her through gymnastics and dance recitals, through swimming and making goofy videos with her friends.  My heart wanders with the lives of the two children that live with me even though I know where they are and what they are doing, my heart is always there with them.  It follows my husband to the most northern peaks of our province that he flies in and out of for work.

My heart is always there with all of them.

My heart knows that there will be a restoring in my relationship with Rush.  I can't say for sure that she will ever live here again.  

I promised it, didn't I?

I'm pretty sure I did. And, if memory serves me correctly, I am only about 3 weeks behind schedule in fulfilling that promise. But I am okay with that and, well, you all sort of have to be because, well, I didn't get the pictures on here until now. So, here you are. You're welcome.

May I present to you pictures of our weekend with Rush (Dec 19/09).

She did enjoy working on our traditional gingerbread house a bit more than it looks in the above picture.

Jellybean and Bug sampling some of the decorations.

Rush checking out her tunes...

This year's house was more of a gingerbread crack house than our usual gingerbread winter fun-land. The icing was not set quite enough when we began decorating and the house shifted...giving it the appearance of one of the houses from our downtown core...

What more could they want from their time with Rush? Pajama party, snuggling on the loveseat, watching a movie and eating chips.

There were moments that Saturday, between Rush and her siblings, that spoke to us that she does miss them...

Much ado about nothing in particular

→Today we cancelled our home phone.  We both have cell phones, plus we have skype on our computers.  We can't call land lines with it as we haven't paid for that feature but we can call computer to computer...  We are saving ourselves $600/year by cancelling our land line.  $600 a year, huh?  That's a fair bit especially given the fact that most of the calls we get are on our cells and we may get 4 calls a month on our land line. Ok, maybe a bit more than that - but not much.  EVERYONE calls our cells.

Thus begins our year of beginning to incorporate Kingdom principles in our finances.

→ I used that Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum 2010 the other day. 

I needed help to even think about using my leg muscles.  My boss even threatened to send in help to get me off the toilet if I took longer than she thought I needed.  Seriously though, I could hardly move.

→ I got to go out for supper last night with my husband.  Just us.  I had a Tuscan pizza. Oh! So Good! {like I am salivating right now good} I was very nicely surprised when a figure ran up beside me and threw her arms around me.  When I realized who it was, I began to cry {happy tears}; it was my friend who moved away {the day Rush ran away} to another province.

→ I was distracted through a bit of our supper as one of Rush's good friend's family sat across the way from us and I could see her talking and laughing with her family and looking at her mom with love and adoration.  It hurt but I am pleased to say that it did not dictate my night.  I had my moment of grief and was able to move on.

→ We were joined after we finished our supper by some very, very dear friends of ours for "coffee". 

→ Why "coffee"?  I don't drink coffee.  I haven't since I was pregnant with Rush over 16 years ago.  The smell of it made me ill and I have had, maybe, 3 cups since.

→ Kids really do say the silliest things sometimes and the thought processes they have ever amaze me.
 → Case in point, Bug was playing and running quite hard this morning and was left a little out of breath; he looked at me and said, "Mama, my breath is angry at me."

The other day he decided to delight us with an extremely descriptive tale of his last bowel movement and how it "shot out of him like a bomb from a ship."  {Has to be a boy thing.}

→ We are in the process of deciding if it will be to the best interest of our family for me to take in a couple of children and have Home Daycare instead of working at the grocery store.  There is one lady who is interested at this point.  I would need one more to make it worth my while.  My job does not give us medical benefits; we get that from BigB's work and so we are just relying on my job for the income.  If I can do that while still being at home full-time all the better!

→ BigB got me Lightroom and I am so thrilled to be able to begin playing with it tonight.  I have not yet had the chance. What with writing a skit and all...

→ I wrote a skit called The Biggest Loser - Church Edition and we performed it at our church on New Year's Eve.  BigB and I also teamed up to compete in the anual Iron Chef competition at our church (also on New Year's Eve).  We didn't win but had SO much fun with the 4 other teams.

→ Boxing Day was an incredibly eventful day.  We were introduced to a new {church} family member.  Little Landon Jeremiah was born at 7 AM.  In the evening our close friend's dad was admitted to the hospital and the prognosis didn't look good.  I am pleased to say that the situation has been rectified and e is doing well at home.  Grandpa Art simply had pneumonia that had brought on an infection which resulted in complications.

→ Dec 27th we had a bunch of the young adults from our church over.  People who have recently moved from different provinces and have no family here.  We filled them with food, baking and love and sent them home happy; it was nice to be around people we love.

→ I am thankful for my regular schedule.  It is nice to be able to be back blogging and to go to your blogs and see what you all have been up to.

See? Much ado about nothing in particular.  What have you been up to lately?  Huh, friends?

Sooo...

I hope none of you have been holding your breath to find out what happened this weekend because that would have been pretty silly on your part.  {grin}

Our visit with Rush was - um, it was... it was ok.  I had moments were I would end up snapping back to reality  because there were a couple times that it seemed like she had never left, that her voice is not a permanent part of this household.  There were a few times where the four of us were getting rather sick of her self-centeredness but the kids were so happy to be able to spend some time with her.

We decorated our gingerbread house (aka our crack house - don't laugh, it didn't fair well this year. Ok, you can laugh; I mean, after all, I am laughing. {grin}).  I have pictures from the weekend and will post them soon; they are still on my camera as of tonight.

I do have to admit that by yesterday afternoon we were ready for her to leave again.  I am sure that that is something that will change with time or over time or as wounds heal; regardless, we were more than ready for her to be picked up by my mother last night.

We did have some laughs and had no fights - a couple of strong words for her treatment of the kids or arrogant behavior but like I said, overall, I think it went pretty well.

Rush and I did a bit of baking together (in between her texting).  The kids all snuggled on the couch together.  Good times.  But there was that overshadowing feeling of awkwardness - you know kind of like a white elephant in the room.  Yeah, awkward.

I have hope that each time will simply get better...

Where'd we get #2

Jellybean made this cute little guy at school when she was in Grade One.  Good thing we don't have any dogs to be climbing up the tree to get it.

Yes, we do have a dog biscuit on our tree.  Um, don't you?

I love homemade ornaments, remembering what the kids were like when they made them.  At this point, Jellybean was a child being told she would not pass Grade One because she had Verbal apraxia very bad (didn't speak more than a handful of words until she was 4 1/2 years old), who went on to show the teachers that she would not be put in a box, passed each and every grade to this date and has done so with a 96.5% average.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you happen to think of me this weekend, not like I really suspect I am on the forefront of your thinking (I'm not vain that way) but if you just so 'happen' to think of me this weekend, please send thoughts of peace in our house, for joy, for strength and for wisdom.  Rush is coming here sometime today, having a sleepover.

This will be her first time back here since she ran away from home August 19. In the natural I am a bit worried about the whole weekend and it not running as smoothly as I woul like for it to.  We will be decorating our annual gingerbread house tonight (I almost said making.  Um, I am not that Martha Stewartesque.  We buy, piece together THEN decorate. {Grin})

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Given the above information, it may be quiet here until Monday but I'll be sure to let you all know how it when then for sure, ok? 

Thank you, my friends, have a lovely and joyful weekend.

Interuption

I am interupting the blog slacker series to share a little something with you.

I have been in the process of purging crap out of our house. As some of you know, I am also in the process of moving our bedroom to where Rush's was and Jellybean up to our room. Common sense would then dictate that the majority of the stuff I took to Goodwill was Rush's.

I felt good about getting it out of the house. Looking at the bags of stuff to leave (70 pounds I am sure) made me feel so much lighter, emotionally and physically; I felt free or something.

This morning I packed these bags and box into my car and headed to get rid of it - feeling pretty good about myself. I dropped them off, got back in my car and...

...burst into tears and bawled like a baby. I can honestly tell you that I never expected a reaction like that from myself. I guess it just made it seem all the more final. Now, all Rush's stuff* has been boxed up and tucked away for a day that she may want it (keepsakes, special things), given to friends, thrown out or donated. (*Stuff meaning the things she didn't care enough to take with her.)

But now it's time for healing, time to move on... I just really find that reaction bizzare.

Freedom

That's right! Freedom! 
I am feeling like such a HUGE burden has been lifted from off of me!  For the last 3 months I have walked around like in a daze, functioning but not feeling, existing but not living, and it. is. gone!

This is the first time, since Rush left 3 months ago that I have felt a true joy  (other than when I was in the midst of a church service).  We have just concluded a conference at our church that was sparked (pun intended) by the Burn Confernece at Kansas City, Mo's World Revival Church In fact, if you go there and watch the "Lose your intimidation and fear" video, you will see me - in the purple shirt).

Anyway, I digress.  Our senior Pastor just went down to KC, Mo for their Burn Conference and upon coming back, wanted to carry on with what he had experienced.  This weekend we had our Burn Too (or Burn Two, depending on who you talk to) Conference and it was life. changing!

People's lives were impacted and transformed instantly, including mine.  That grief that had clutched on to me had been ripped off of me and I can not explain to you how different and free I feel!

Some of the things that I learned and that impacted me are listed below:
→ Church should be a place where you can EXPLODE in the power of God and not a place of poverty where you need/crave sympathy.
→ when you come into the tangible presence of God there will be a strength and an empowering.
→ God downloaded into me the scripture of 2 Tim 1: 6 (For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands.)

I have been fanning the wrong flame!  I have been dwelling on all the things I must have done wrong, all the things I should have, would have, could have done differently, and how Rush leaving was somehow all my fault.  You know what, I have done enough wrong in my life that I have actually done that I don't need to take on someone else's problems, mistakes, wrong-doings, whatever you want to call them.  Can you believe that I have even let myself think that if I had just made more cookies, more puffed wheat squares things wouldn't have come to this.  Silly, heh?  Because puffed wheat squares are going to change her attitude.

Now, I am not saying that I will never have days where I don't miss my daughter and I am not saddened by her leaving but, I am saying that the grief is no longer controlling me!  It will no longer run me! It will no longer hold me in bondage, sitting on my couch, lifelessly scrolling through websites without really looking at them just because the life and joy that was once inside me was gone!

It's ba-ack! The joy that is.  Woo hoo!

Fan the right flames in your life.  Don't fan those negative thoughts, those ill-will feelings towards others for little things they have done, or not done, or those thoughts that come into your mind that have no merit - just like me thinking puffed wheat cake could have kept Rush here. Just like a tiny ember being fanned into a full fledged, roaring fire, you dwelling on those things will consume you and it will eventually leave you as a pile of ashes waiting to be swept away and thrown in the trash - useless.

I am chosing to fan only those things that are good and pure and right, only those things that are godly and righteous and that will give honor to the God that I love, honor and adore - my noble King!