Bug as he is walking into another room and shutting the door: Mama, I know you have no voice today (I seem to have strained my voice with all the singing and hard praying we have done this weekend) so I will say prayers by myself today, otay?
Me: Yes
Bug: What?
Me: Yes!
Bug: Mama, I can't hear you. You need to talk louder...
Sigh
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thoughts
It's a hard day today and I am not going to pretend that it isn't. Today Rush moved in with my mom and step-dad in a town an hour and half away. Things weren't didn't work out quite the way she wanted or hoped at her sister's house (an hour and a half the other direction) and so, Rush is moving into, yet another person's house.
I had hoped that when this happened that she would realize she belonged here. I had hoped that she would find her way home again. I had hoped for my girl back. But, for now, that hope has not been realized. For now.
I still have that hope.
I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt my heart or that I haven't had to fight from crying at work all day or that once home, the tears erupted and have yet to quit. I can't lie and say that I don't feel slightly jealous of other people I know whose daughters have returned to them (even though the biggest part of me is reoicing for them, part of me wonders 'why can't that be me and my daughter').
So yes, there is pain.
I had hoped that when this happened that she would realize she belonged here. I had hoped that she would find her way home again. I had hoped for my girl back. But, for now, that hope has not been realized. For now.
I still have that hope.
I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt my heart or that I haven't had to fight from crying at work all day or that once home, the tears erupted and have yet to quit. I can't lie and say that I don't feel slightly jealous of other people I know whose daughters have returned to them (even though the biggest part of me is reoicing for them, part of me wonders 'why can't that be me and my daughter').
So yes, there is pain.
Perhaps she will never again live in my house; that is not for me to know right now.
Not what I planned
I had so many notions of what my life would be like.
I always wanted to be a mom. That part came true.
I never wanted a relationship that was so volatile, controlling and hurtful.
I wanted a fulfilling career, to travel, to explore, to adventure....
I never dreamt I'd be belittled and manipulated and so much more.
I just wish I could find strength.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Perspective
My kids have a very good (kid) reason to be disappointed today, but they are not and it amazes me as to why they are not. You see, today was a "reward day" at school and the kids were going to a nearby town to go to their wave pool for the day. Everyone was piled into their designated vans and about to leave the school when they got a call that the heater at the pool was broken and the water was in the minus temperatures - trip postponed until Monday.
I thought they would be devestated, especially Bug (being only 6 years old and all, that can be a pretty big let down). I should have more faith in my children. Here is what he said about the whole thing.
"Mama, our trip to de pool was 'tancelled'. We're not goin' now 'til Monday."
"I'm sorry to hear that, buddy."
"Oh Mama, dat's 'otay'. Dat just means I have more days t'be excited for it comin'."
Perspective. Some days I could really use some fresh perspective like that. Some days I get down. Down because we seem to be struggling with our finances - even though we are way better off than we were; we just don't have the credit cards to make it seem like we are doing better than we really are. We have two small debts to pay off and that is it. I need to have some fresh perspective...
You know, look to my 6 year old as an example in this because he is clearly more learned than I in this department. {Grin} I don't know about you but I am not too proud to learn from my children. I am not too proud to be taught by those who understand something better than I - even if they happen to be the cutest 6 year old boy I know! I think that would read more appropriately if I say 'especially' and not 'even'.
I have learned quite a few lessons from my children the last little while. From Bug's viewpoint today to Jellybean giving up her just-over-$100-savings in order to buy a car window and to be honest, the list is much bigger than that.
What have your children taught you?
I thought they would be devestated, especially Bug (being only 6 years old and all, that can be a pretty big let down). I should have more faith in my children. Here is what he said about the whole thing.
"Mama, our trip to de pool was 'tancelled'. We're not goin' now 'til Monday."
"I'm sorry to hear that, buddy."
"Oh Mama, dat's 'otay'. Dat just means I have more days t'be excited for it comin'."
Perspective. Some days I could really use some fresh perspective like that. Some days I get down. Down because we seem to be struggling with our finances - even though we are way better off than we were; we just don't have the credit cards to make it seem like we are doing better than we really are. We have two small debts to pay off and that is it. I need to have some fresh perspective...
You know, look to my 6 year old as an example in this because he is clearly more learned than I in this department. {Grin} I don't know about you but I am not too proud to learn from my children. I am not too proud to be taught by those who understand something better than I - even if they happen to be the cutest 6 year old boy I know! I think that would read more appropriately if I say 'especially' and not 'even'.
I have learned quite a few lessons from my children the last little while. From Bug's viewpoint today to Jellybean giving up her just-over-$100-savings in order to buy a car window and to be honest, the list is much bigger than that.
What have your children taught you?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
And I will lay out
before you
the clothes I am planning to wear, just as I am planning to wear them.
(Yes, my son's room is messy. No, that is not a one time thing. Yes, he did plan to wear mismatched socks. No, I didn't make him find a matching pair; I was just happy he planned to wear socks.)
Monday, January 25, 2010
Friend Makin' Monday
Found this while blog hopping and thought I would join in; everyone loves making new friends, right? So pop on by Amber's site to see all about Friend Makin' Monday and you just have to finish answering these sentences...
Outside my window... I see cars piled high with the freshly fallen snow, streets filled with snow ruts high enough to get most vehicles stuck and still waiting to be plowed.
I am thinking... that I should be recopying my church sermon notes in good copy instead of being on here blogging.
I am thankful... for my family, friends, church family and mostly, my God.
I am praying... for complete restoration in my family and that my daughter, who ran away from home, who is planning on moving in with my mother the end of this month (and having second thoughts) will know that she can move back home and is always welcome here.
I am reading... The Bait of Satan by John Bevere.
I am creating... beautiful photographs for the website our church is creating.
From the kitchen... I hear the dishwasher finishing up.
Around the house... I know I have laundry I should be doing.
One of my favorite things... is snuggling with my children.
Outside my window... I see cars piled high with the freshly fallen snow, streets filled with snow ruts high enough to get most vehicles stuck and still waiting to be plowed.
I am thinking... that I should be recopying my church sermon notes in good copy instead of being on here blogging.
I am thankful... for my family, friends, church family and mostly, my God.
I am praying... for complete restoration in my family and that my daughter, who ran away from home, who is planning on moving in with my mother the end of this month (and having second thoughts) will know that she can move back home and is always welcome here.
I am reading... The Bait of Satan by John Bevere.
I am creating... beautiful photographs for the website our church is creating.
From the kitchen... I hear the dishwasher finishing up.
Around the house... I know I have laundry I should be doing.
One of my favorite things... is snuggling with my children.
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