I'm envisioning

a nice message, planning, organizing center in my back entrance hallway...

It looks real nice in my head...

A place to keep the meal plan handy, my work schedule (since I work at two different jobs that will come in handy for everyone to remember where I am supposed to be at), cleaning schedule, chore list for the kids and all that jazz. 

Right now it's all on my fridge door and it looks cluttered and messy...

I hate cluttered and messy...

Do you have one?  What has worked for you? What have you tried and feel failed and why?

Calling all cooks!

Yep, that's right; I'm talking to you. Heck, I'm talking to all the not-so-hot cooks too, you know, the ones just like me. Average joes, so to speak.

I'd love to hear from you.  Please share your favorite recipes that will help us all out in our sometimes chaotic schedules. Freezer meals, crockpot meals, what have you...share them.  I know I would love to hear and I am certain my other readers welcome a change to the same old same old same recipes they use every day as well...

I'll go first.

Meatball Stroganoff

(now this doesn't save any time unless you pre-make the meatballs which I do the day of grocery shopping)
Make your favorite meatball recipe and fully cook.  To make the sauce add a 500 Ml container of sour cream and two cans of condensed mushroom soup.  I also like to add a bit of worchestershire sauce.  Cook until heated through (with the meatballs).  Serve over your choice of pasta noodle and with a big old salad and garlic bread.

It's a delicious meal on a dreary winter day!

Your turn.  Please share...

Winds of change are blowin'

Yes, they most certainly are. I am at a crossroads in my life where I have decided to get serious about a few different things: budgeting, food planning, organizing, pre-cooking meals for those days... You know the ones; the ones where it seems like you could have 3 or 4 of you and still not have enough hands or bodies to get all the things done you need to.

I am pleased to announce that, after many ups and downs, poor decisions, hard decisions and all that, we are currently down to having one debt left to our name!  And I would like to share that our debt load is now under $1000!

Tonight, we were asked if we wanted to go out with a few friends.  I would have loved to!  I love being able to do stuff like that.  I think we all do.  However, we decided that we would be better off going home, putting some bread in the toaster and having something to eat that we had all ready bought.

Small steps... Every step forward gets you closer to your destination.  Don't lose heart thinking you aren't getting there as fast as you should be. Forward is forward! Sometimes we need to re-assess ourselves, our habits, our instinctual responses and we sometimes need to come to a conclusion to revamp who or what we have become.

B.D. will be gone with work the entire month of September (not including weekends); that's a lot of days and living for me to be doing on my own.  It takes me back to my single parenthood days.  I had to be very deliberate in all that I did.  I'm getting back to that point right now.

My heart is my family.  My focus has been taken off of where it has been for the past year and put back to where it should be - my family.

The winds of change are blowing and I hear them whisper that good things and good times are coming for me!

We're back!

Just got home today.  We were sad to leave our son and friends behind for an unknown length of time but it is SO good to be able to hold my kids in my arms and hear all their stories (which I have been doing all afternoon now).

The trip was fantastic!

Good to be back!

Dual Graduations

Okay, so thanks to the insight of Nat, I have now realized that next year there will be two, count them, two graduations....J's and Jellybean's. Yikes. How will I cope? You know me. What am I going to do? I can't breathe. I think I'm hyperventilating....




However...think of all the wonderful photo opportunities waiting for that moment....



I smile just thinking about it.
 
(originally posted June 23, 2005)

When I Grow Up

Wednesday was J's last day of school for the year. She is now in grade 12. Wow...another one almost done high school. Yikes! Really where does the time go? I met J when she was in grade 6 and I have watched her grow from a shy awkward 11 year old to this beautiful, graceful 17 year old who is now in the final year of her life, really, at home. There are so many big steps coming her way and she realized this on Wednesday.

After getting out of her final grade 11 final exam, J went and had herself a good old panic attack. You know what I'm talking about: the hyperventilating, the sweating, the thoughts that ramble out of your mouth without you really focusing on what you are saying:

"I'm in grade 12"

"I don't know what I want to be when I grow up." (reassuring friend says"It's okay you still have a year to decide.")

"Not if I want to go to college. I'll have to apply and what about scholarships and I'll have to apply and what am I gonna do.....?"

At this point we all know that the typical thing to do would be to slide down the wall in the smelly high school hallway and crumple on the floor. (Are you thinking back to that moment?) And that is just what she did. Panic attack over, J is doing fine now; she needed a few minutes and a few deep breathing exercises. The eery feeling of the unknown has subsided...for now.

Now, I, on the other hand, have just realized that Rush has just finished grade 6. If you remember that is when I met J and it sure doesn't seem like that long ago and she is on the verge of getting her wings. Do you know what that means? Are you anticipating what is coming next...?

Me hyperventilating?

Me breaking out in a cold sweat?

"She's gonna be in grade 12 soon?"

"What am I gonna do when she grows up?" (reassurance from child,"I'll visit mom")

I remember when she was 5 and told me she would never, ever leave me and that she would live with me forever with her husband, her kids, her dog, her cat, her horse and her gorilla. Yes, gorilla. (Wow, I wonder where she gets her "lets plan a million years in advance" idosyncrasy from...don't look at me. I'm serious....not me. )

This only means one thing. "What," you may ask. I have to cherish my Rush and every little moment I have with her. We have gone through a lot, Rush & I. For a while, we were all we had. We have gone through scary times with her biological dad; we have gone through times when we were so poor she was the only one eating most days. We have gone through times when I thought I was going to lose her, like when she had pneumonia really bad and we have gone through times where we would just snuggle on the couch and tell wonderful, beautiful stories of where we would go, what we would do, see and eat as we went off on gorgeous vacations together in our imaginations.

I need to stop being so "busy" and enjoy the time I have with my kids (all 7 of them); it's been a really long time since Rush & I have gone on one of our special vacations. Jellybean & I have never gone on one and I think she is just the right age to start. Pretty soon she will be wanting to save money for going to school and telling me what she will do when she grows up...
 
(originally posted on June 24, 2005)

365 days ago

I lost you.

I know where you are but I still haven't found you.

I think of you every day.

I miss you - every day.

My heart feels unsettled, missing, partial... it hurts.

I'm sorry I let you down. I thought I was doing what was right.  I was doing the best I could at the time.  I failed you. I failed you.  I failed you.  I get that. I am sorry.  That is the only thing I can do - apologize.  I hope you forgive me for all the wrong doings you feel were done to you. I don't know what all they were but I am sorry that I have failed you in all the areas you needed me.

I thought I showed you love but I failed you. I am sorry if I ever made you feel you were not good enough. I wouldn't want you to be any other way than you. I am sorry if I ever made you feel you were a disappointment.  I could never be disappointed in you.  You are the beat in my heart and the breath in my lungs.

I will never forget the feeling of my heart crumbling to bits as I realized you were gone, that you resented me so much that you felt your only option was to run.

Beautiful daughter...

I am so, so, so very sorry

I

FAILED

YOU...

I'm sorry you have been robbed of your joy...

I LOVE YOU!!!

I MISS YOU!!!!

Baby Update

I just thought I would give you all an update on our three fish babies...fries as they are called. They are doing so good; they are growing and are they ever cute. We bought some baby fish food called Small Fry and we have to feed them several times a day. Some would call it a pain in the butt and not really worth the time or the effort but I think it is. Jellybean really enjoys helping me take care of "her" babies. She has named them ALL Strawberry Shortcake; I'm not sure if that's because they are all actually named that or if because they are still too small to really tell apart (if you can tell fish apart).
I am thinking there is still a mama fish in there. If she's not pregnant then we need to get some low fat fish food for her and put her on the fish version of the South Beach diet or Atkins or something. Maybe she's just big boned...I dunno. I really don't profess to know a lot about fish. I've had a few but really, I'm learning as I go.

I love watching them; they are very peaceful and relaxing, until you feed them and they go savage. I do, however, find them interesting to watch. B.D. laughs at me when I sit at the tank and watch these fish....I'm just attempting to relax. I just really enjoy watching them and their behaviors...they remind me a lot of people in their behavior. I wrote a poem about gold fish when I was in grade 12 about how they swim around sedate watching you watch them, swimming peacefully and then when you feed them they turn savage but once the food is gone they return to their original sedate little fishy selves, watching you watch them...

One guy who read my poem thought I was really writing about politics. I was just a warped teenager writing a poem that honestly just popped in my head...the more I learn about politics, the more I think he may be on to something...

(originally posted June 26, 2005)

We Have Babies

Okay, now that I have caught all of your attention; no, it is NOT me!!!!! The kids got a fish for B.D. for Father's Day and she was expecting. Yikes! How do you care for a mama fish? Better yet how do you care for the babies once they get here? I have found three so far and put them in this floating fish thingy that we have and so, for now, it shall be the maternity ward or nursery. They are so cute and so little. I almost wanted to wake the kids up so they could see it but then...ah, never mind. I can't wait for them to see their babies in the morning!

I'll keep you posted on if we have more babies or not.

I will place bets on at least one of these babies being called Strawberry Shortcake. I know the mama is as is the male betta we have. Who wants to take this bet? Any takers? Any one?
 
(originally posted June 23, 2005 on my original blog)

Today

is my birthday.  I am... I am... How old am I?
(insert elevator music whilst I do some figuring...)

I am 36 years old today.

I have accomplished a lot in my 36 years.  Some I am proud of, some not so much but guess what, it has all made me who I am today and I am so appreciative of it all.

This year I will spend my birthday working until 5 and then, I am on my way to KC, MO!  It seems strange to not be with my kids. They stayed back with Grandma and Grandpa watching them (and the lizard).  It seems strange to be so close to it being a year since Rush ran away from home. It doesn't seem like that long ago yet it also seems like forever.

I am not sure what I will have for internet access so it may or may not be quiet around here.  If it is quiet, it will be quiet for a week and then I will have loads to say and lots to share. I do have some old posts from my original blog scheduled in an attempt to move them over and leave you with something to read if you happen to pop on by.  I will be updating on Twitter via text if I don't have access to internet or even a computer so please feel free to keep up with me there!  (MyHrt03 is my twitter name)

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Sometimes I can't believe the things that come out of kids' mouths and other times it so incredibly hilarious and literal.

I was talking to my mom on the phone a while back and she told me a story about Jellybean that brought tears to my eyes, from laughing so hard. Jellybean followed my mom into the bathroom and noticed that my mom and I had the same underwear (note to self: go shopping).

She felt obligated to tell grandma this and my mom's response was that she & I have great taste.

To this Jellybean responded with utter disgust and said, "Grandma, my mom doesn't eat HER underwear."

If only we could strap videocameras to our children, at least for their waking hours. I know that there would be a few movies worth of hilarity we could watch over and over again.
 
(originally posted May 6, 2005 on my original blog)

For the Love of a Brother

The other day as we drove past Dairy Queen, a place LB took Jellybean once (one time that's it), she began to sniffle and whimper. I turned to ask her what was wrong and saw big, juicy tears streaming down her cheeks.

"What's wrong?"

"I goed there once wif mine *LB*). He is gone to Kansas now living wif other humans. I miss him lots. I is alone so very alone."

Talk about a heartbreaker and what's LB going to do when he reads this? Nat, maybe you should set aside some tissues before he reads this.
 
(*originally written May 10, 2005 from my original blog)

Missing Grandma

The pussy willows have come and gone; the tulips are blooming; the leaves are budding on the trees and I, I am missing my grandma.

Grandma would mark on her calendar when the first hummingbird arrived to her feeders; she waited for that day, I am sure, all winter long. Each spring I want to buy a humming bird feeder but not knowing where to put it and not having a ladder to put it in my big front window, I have passed each time. Call it nostalgia; call it whimsy. Call it whatever you want; it’s a piece of my grandma that I can pass on to my children and one day, I will have one in my living room or kitchen window.
Her flower gardens were massive and impressive each and every year. She had flowers every where and knew exactly what each was called. There were Pansies, Sweet Williams, Daisies, Poppies, Petunias, Violets, Lilacs…the list goes on and on and to tell you the truth, I have no idea what half the flowers were.

She was up with the sun tending to her gardens, a hard working woman for as long as she could be. She took joy in caring for her yard and flowers, inside and outside. She also took joy in watching me “sneak” into her garden to get fresh carrots or cucumbers before school. I saw her smile as she watched out her window from the chair she sat in enjoying her morning coffee. I even miss the color of her coffee, the interesting color it turned from all the milk she added. I am sure that sounds bizarre and I am sure other people’s coffee turns that particular color but it just seemed different. Perhaps what I miss is seeing that same clear coffee mug full of coffee or perhaps I miss seeing that same mug in my dear granny’s hands.
Those hands, the ones that wiped my tears so gingerly away were the same that tenderly picked ripe, juicy berries from the Saskatoon trees in her yard, raspberry bushes in the woods and strawberries, the tiny wild ones, that crept across her yard and the same hands that tipped and tailed beans and shelled peas on her back step.

It is raining and I picture the rain running into the rain barrels she used to catch water for her flowers. I remember dunking my head in that water on hot summer days (after scooping all the bugs out) and I remember sitting in the shade, feeling safe and secure near my grandma.

Of all the things I miss about my grandma, her smile, her twinkling eyes, her gentle voice, her knowledge of nursery rhymes and little poems, the way she remembered every birthday from her children to her great grandchildren, one of the things I miss most about her is the way her house smelled when she made fried potatoes from leftover boiled potatoes. I don’t know why but there is just something so comforting and soothing in that memory. No one else can make them smell that way. That and the color of her coffee…
 
(*post originally written on May 23, 2005...brought over here from my original blog)

Excuse me....

This is highly unfair...

Just sayin'

Logic of a 7 year old boy

Bug: Ah man, this piece tastes like poop!

Jellybean: How do you know what poop tastes like?

Bug: Jellybean, I know poop!  I have seen poop. I have smelled poop.  I have stepped in poop and this, just tastes like poop!

All righty then!  Not entirely sure I want to know any more.  Boys will be boys.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Yes, I am singing and no, it is not because Christmas is coming and I am singing the carol.  It is because today I started buying school supplies!  Yay!  I love school supplies!  Now I am not even happy to be buying school supplies simply because it means school will be starting for my kiddos; I loved getting brand new school supplies, starting a new school year and thinking "this year will be different; my books will be so neat this year."

Anywho, I decided that this year it would be nice to kind of "spoil" my kids with their supplies - make them as fun as possible.  After all the kids will be spending most of their week in school at their "office" (aka desk but in the ACE program they are referred to as offices), so why not make it as homey and fun and inviting as possible? (Side note: I really am not excited about the fact that they need to go to this school instead of their public schools...this was not my decision. AT. ALL.)

I didn't end up spending too terribly much more on their school supplies but we decided to go with color themes this year.  Jellybean picked lime green as it is her favorite, favorite color.  That's right.  Double favorite!  Bug picked orange because, as we have come to learn on this blog, orange is his favorite color.

The kids do still need a couple of things picked up: erasers, backpacks, gym clothes, runners and indoor dress shoes.  And I am still looking for an orange binder, pencil case/box and lunchkit for Bug.

Let me show you the goods.  My kids are going to be two very bright students this year... and I am not being biased.  The proof's in the pics...

I couldn't find Bug an orange water bottle but if I do find one between now and the end of the month, I will just keep this one at home for him and send the other to keep at his office.

I'd like to take a moment

to welcome all the new "followers" and readers to my humble little blog.

Thank you for popping by, put your feet up, grab a refreshment and stay awhile.  I look forward to getting to know you and to interacting with you.

I have to tell you, I have met some pretty great ladies through this little blog of mine, ladies who have left timely words of encouragement for me, shared stories that have made me laugh (and cry) and who have, with words of wisdom, taught me.  And that is why I love this corner of the "interweb" I have cleared away for myself.  I love, love, love being able to respond to your comments (usually via email) and forming internet friendships.

Welcome, it's so nice to have you here.

"Getting to Know You" Sunday

Popped ovder to MannLand5's blog this morning and saw this; I thought, since it has been so long since I have been able to participate in Getting to Know You that I would give it a go!
1. Do you think mustaches are sexy?

In a word, yes!  But allow me to elaborate. Not ALL mustaches are sexy and not on all men.  I am more of the goatee kinda gal. Which is why I have always been drawn to the bikers, cowboys, tough guys... {sigh} It's a curse really.


2. What's the last concert you've been to?

Um, wow. It was a million years ago.  Not even kidding!  The last concert I went to was Skid Row/Areosmith.  Seriously!  I was in Gr. 10.

3 What was your favorite 80's sitcom?

I had several that I liked but if I were to pick a favorite, I would say "The Cosby Show". Cliff Huxstable reminded me of my grandpa.  Yes, he was that fun!  I was a lucky gal!

4. Were you named after anyone?

No.  If I would have been born a boy I would have been though.

5. When you buy new clothes, do you wash before wearing?

Nope.

6. If you didn't blog, what would you do with your spare time?

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it may incriminate me in a court of law.

7. What is your favorite department store?

Don't really have one.

8. If you were to get Laser Hair Removal..where would you get it?

At this point in my life, I don't feel it is needed {sigh}.  However, I may need to re-visit this question in say, 30 years... Let's leave this one open. Mkay?

The cat came back the very next day but not this time

If you remember, we had to get rid of our dear cat, Jewel.  BigDaddy's brother took her to his house.
She hid in their house for two days.  She sulked but eventually came out from hiding and seemed like she was adjusting. Two days later, she ran away from home.

Uncle Hammer felt so badly that each time the kids asked him how she was, he told them she was fine.  He felt so much guilt because he had told them he would take good care of her {which I know he did} and he knew how much it meant to them and didn't want to break their hearts.

We have no hard feelings towards him; this wasn't his fault in the least. The kids had their cries.  We found out on Rush's birthday so my attention was elsewhere.  But we are sad that she has probably met her death as she had been declawed and had never been outside since we got her as a kitten.

So, in honor of our beloved Jewel here are a couple shots of her with the kids.

We love you, JEWEL.

5 Qustion Friday

1. Are you a neat sleeper or a messy sleeper?

It really depends on the night.  Some nights once my head hits the pillow I. don't. move. at. all!

But, that being said, I don't have to have my blankets neat and organized.  In fact, they can be balled up and all over the place as long as I have a corner to cover partially up (and NOT have my feet covered!!!  I can't stand that!!!!)


2. Fill in the blank. I wish I was more _______________. disciplined

I would be able to stay organized, keep up with meal plans, keep track of finances, stay on budget {gasp}, and that's just the household part of my life!

Just think of what I could be!  Like skinny!  Rich!




3. What is something that you wish you had been warned about?

That we should trust our intuition. Never, never, NEVER doubt your gut feeling.

4. What was the best thing you ever found at a garage sale/flea market?

I don't really shop at garage sales a lot. I have gotten a few good deals but nothing that maked me jump up and down or actually remember the purchase. 


5. If you could have any meal brought to you right now, what would it be?

Mmmmm, the meal that my dad makes me every year for my birthday! Bacon, swiss chard and potatoes followed by rhubarb pie for dessert.  It may not sound like much but it's more the company that makes it my favorite in the whole world!

Now, I've told you my answers; you tell me yours! And...hope on over to Mama M's to see more 5 question friday answers!

Fear Inducing Child

Yes, I warn you right now, when you see the following two photos you will, most likely, find yourself plunged deep into the realm of a fear like you've never known. {grin}

Carry on at your own risk 'cuz Jellybean is incredibly frightening...


Don't say I didn't warn you! 

I tried telling you... really I did. Now just take a few slow, deep breaths; look again at the picture and accept your fate at the hands of this adorable tough cookie.

I adore this shirt!

17 years ago today...

I met a girl. Yes, a girl. No, it was not Rush - although she was so brand new she was still on warranty {wink}. Rush was 2 days old and I was in my hospital bed recovering from the birth of my first child and the first c-section I would ever experience. I was 18 years old.

Through the door of my room, came a boy a couple years older than me, sitting in a wheel chair, scooting himself around.  Following him was an entourage of people, led by a tall, skinny girl with long blond hair pushing a baby in a hospital bassinet.  My first thought about this young gal, who was walking while I was still bed ridden, not allowed to move (they didn't want you moving for a day after a c-section back then - or at least not with me), was to call her a bad name under my breath because she was walking and I wasn't.

Funny thing was, I was not serious about it just being a catty young girl.  We shared a room, found out we had much in common and formed a maternity room bond that we pledged would never end.  I thought, at first, that the reality of the relationship would be that we would be all talk about it.  You know, call a couple of times, maybe have coffee once or twice and our lives would slowly drift apart as we lead our separate lives.

Little did I know that Aug 5, 1993 marked the beginning of a sisterhood and a bond that would be unbreakable over the years, the miles, the hurts, the struggles and the hardships of each of our lives.  We have seen each other through (and experienced each other's pain/joy with) divorce, death, abuse, heartbreaks, extreme poverty, single parenthood, first steps, first words, first days of school, first Christmas concerts, first teeth, weddings, miscarriages, births...

If I had a scanner I would totally dig up pictures of us with 90's hair and babies, walking all over town together, hanging out at the mall, being asked if our kids were "twins, brother/sister, cousins".

We have spent so much of our lives together it seems strange living our lives so far apart{two different provinces now}.  Her family became my family; I became their family.  She is my sister by choice.

So... happy 17th friendiversary. Love you, babe!

Not as Cool as I Used to be

A few weeks ago I took the kids to a mini carnival that was held in one of the mall parking lots.

They thought that was wonderful news!

They went on some rides...

We went on some rides...

They had a blast...

 I felt like puking and when we were finished came home, laid down and waited for the world to stop spinning...

Like I said, I am not as cool as I used to be.  However, I am still cool enough to suck it up, step up to the plate and take one for the team...

Sometimes it isn't easy

to be joyful, to find the positive in things... Yesterday was most definitely "one of those days".  Yesterday was Rush's 17 birthday.  It was the first time I have ever  not been with my daughter on her birthday, not celebrated the day she was brought into my life, not been able to hold her in my arms, kiss her softly on the head and whisper in her ear just how very much I love her.

I can tell you that it threw my entire day off kilter.  I was not myself.  I had a bad attitude about everything - me and Eyore, like attitudes yesterday.  To elaborate, I wasn't willfully speaking "depressed donkey" but it seemed like everything I set my hands to do lacked gumption, get-up-and-go, umph.

I even believed that my car had just completely died because I was trying to speed up just a smidge and the car kept slowing down more and more. Immediately I thought, "That's it; this stupid car has finally bit it." You know, until I realized my foot was on the brake. {yes, I just admitted this publicly and yes, it will be added to the book of dumb moments in my life}

I am letting every little thing get to me.  Let me re-phrase that.  Up until this very instant, I have been letting every little thing get to me.  I am rising above that and refuse to allow anything to come and rob me of my joy!

No, I am not. Who am I trying to kid? I am heart broken. I miss my daughter. I miss feeling whole. I miss feeling like I know her. I wish I knew what happened...

I have a gut feeling....I spoke to someone about it in B.D.'s church (the one I have to attend)....she told me to stop being foolish and support my husband....a month later I had an angry daughter who left in the wee hours of the morning....