My Head has been Spinning

I know a lot of times I come back from a blogging sabbatical by saying how life has just been busy, and it has, but this sabbatical has been more about shock and grief.  My dad began dating, and married, a lady 20-some years ago. The majority of my life.  A couple weeks ago she chose to walk out of my dad's, and our, life. 

There has been a lot of grieving over what was, over what we thought was, over what never was and what never will be.

My biological mom, emotionally left us when I was 8. I am not going to go into the details of how or why, because I will not speak ill of her; she just did. When I was 13 years old, she chose to leave our home for good and our relationship has never been a true mother/daughter relationship since.  I fell in love with my step-mom as a mother figure, knowing that there were things that weren't perfect in that, seeing that there were differences in relationship between her kids and "his kids". I turned blind eyes to it because in my heart I just really wanted a "mom".

There have been, as in every relationship, little things that added up to become a giant, out of control ball of rolling goop. I am not going to say it was heavy handed on one side or the other because it takes two to dance, right? That being said, I have now seen two moms walk out of my life.

You may say something like "that doesn't have to be" and that's what I said too but circumstances and her words/actions have dictated that, no, it does have to be.  A choice has been made.

In the last two weeks I have cried more than I care to admit. My whole life one of my biggest desires is to have a relationship with a mom; even as a woman in my 30s, I desire that relationship, to have "those talks", those lunches, those moments... I pray that will come.