so fucking tired

I'm so fucking tired of Princess S.M. and her shit don't stink attitude. She is an abuser and has continued to do so for almost  6 years. 

There's no end in sight to this. None.  I'm lost and hopeless. 

Deplorable lunacy

The discussion began with her demanding the kids on Halloween.  She was told she could get 1.5 hours. He was told she intended to kidnap the kids from school - regardless of his wishes or desire or instruction for his week of access.

She dropped the children off on their usual schedule and one child came with a costume.  No other discussion had been had or settled  regarding Halloween. We had already bought costumes for our house.

We decided to have them home and ready to go for 6, presuming she was going to come. One had no costume sent over so she was sent with no costume. She did come.

We were accused of being deplorable,  of lunacy and of damaging children. She brought them home late because she does whatever the fuck she wants anyway.

Two faces   One for the people she tries to fool. One for us. It exudes emotional abuses each time it looks our way.  She tries to break us, not only emotionally but relationally.  She tries to ruin moments so the kids only have memories of things not going well, or upset and confusion.

I wish she would move on, find her happiness so she can stop trying to ruin ours. Jealousy is an ugly accessory she has chosen to wear.

Ironically,  her attempts are met with our laughter. Pumpkin, move on, let go and sort through your shit. 

Another failure

I'm angry at myself for being afraid... afraid to swim afraid to learn...afraid.
I miss out on so much fun.
My husband, with the kids,  in the deep end and diving  off the board.
There I sit, in a corner, of the shallow end...a loser...inept.
They are in the lake, far beyond my comfort zone, and I turn back, wrap my towel around myself,  bury my toes in the sand and try to forbid that hot tear from escaping.

Not so blended

When one ingredient doesn't want to blend.... you know, like when you are making gravy and add the cornstarch or flour without making it into a rue first.... and then you wind up with lumpy gravy that doesn't appeal to anyone.

One of the children in our blended family has absolutely nothing to do their step parent's family.  The only time this child gets involved is when materialistic fun comes into play. There is so much selfishness and zero acceptance or participation... As parent and step parent,  this is heartbreaking to watch and to be subjected to.  It is difficult to bear witness to the blatant disregard of our family unit...especially knowing how this child is ignored from the other side of their family when they are there.

My role

My role has changed

to chauffeur and bank roll.

to silent but supportive yet inconsequential

I will never claw my way out from under her fucking shadow  and I must accept that or move on.

here we go again

I have dealt with one child not wanting me in their life and that lasted awhile, as I have written about here, but my middle child, the one who was abused, the one who has chosen to be a boy, the one one who has suffered with mental health issues and extreme anxiety and depression, has now expelled me from their life. I would love to say "for now" but I just can't say for certain.

The grief is similar to that of mourning the death of a loved one.  My heart is shattered. I am wrecked.  I can't recover from this....it will change me.

I can only hope that one day comes where I am welcomed back. Until then, I need to learn how to make the best of this new normal....

Under Shadows

How do I live under your shadow?
How do I continue to thrive?
How do I have limits and boundaries?
How can I even survive?

Your shadow haunts my fucking hallways,
A place where you have never been.
Every wilderness trail, shop, corner store...
This is getting damn well obscene.

I'm tired of the measuring stick at my door step.
So sick of everyone's  need to compare.
Such bullshit nothing can just be ours.
My heart hurts from my despair.

Your presence invades my space daily;
I wish you'd please just give us space.
Does he even see me
Or does he still just see your face?