Deplorable lunacy

The discussion began with her demanding the kids on Halloween.  She was told she could get 1.5 hours. He was told she intended to kidnap the kids from school - regardless of his wishes or desire or instruction for his week of access.

She dropped the children off on their usual schedule and one child came with a costume.  No other discussion had been had or settled  regarding Halloween. We had already bought costumes for our house.

We decided to have them home and ready to go for 6, presuming she was going to come. One had no costume sent over so she was sent with no costume. She did come.

We were accused of being deplorable,  of lunacy and of damaging children. She brought them home late because she does whatever the fuck she wants anyway.

Two faces   One for the people she tries to fool. One for us. It exudes emotional abuses each time it looks our way.  She tries to break us, not only emotionally but relationally.  She tries to ruin moments so the kids only have memories of things not going well, or upset and confusion.

I wish she would move on, find her happiness so she can stop trying to ruin ours. Jealousy is an ugly accessory she has chosen to wear.

Ironically,  her attempts are met with our laughter. Pumpkin, move on, let go and sort through your shit. 

Another failure

I'm angry at myself for being afraid... afraid to swim afraid to learn...afraid.
I miss out on so much fun.
My husband, with the kids,  in the deep end and diving  off the board.
There I sit, in a corner, of the shallow end...a loser...inept.
They are in the lake, far beyond my comfort zone, and I turn back, wrap my towel around myself,  bury my toes in the sand and try to forbid that hot tear from escaping.

Not so blended

When one ingredient doesn't want to blend.... you know, like when you are making gravy and add the cornstarch or flour without making it into a rue first.... and then you wind up with lumpy gravy that doesn't appeal to anyone.

One of the children in our blended family has absolutely nothing to do their step parent's family.  The only time this child gets involved is when materialistic fun comes into play. There is so much selfishness and zero acceptance or participation... As parent and step parent,  this is heartbreaking to watch and to be subjected to.  It is difficult to bear witness to the blatant disregard of our family unit...especially knowing how this child is ignored from the other side of their family when they are there.

My role

My role has changed

to chauffeur and bank roll.

to silent but supportive yet inconsequential

I will never claw my way out from under her fucking shadow  and I must accept that or move on.

here we go again

I have dealt with one child not wanting me in their life and that lasted awhile, as I have written about here, but my middle child, the one who was abused, the one who has chosen to be a boy, the one one who has suffered with mental health issues and extreme anxiety and depression, has now expelled me from their life. I would love to say "for now" but I just can't say for certain.

The grief is similar to that of mourning the death of a loved one.  My heart is shattered. I am wrecked.  I can't recover from this....it will change me.

I can only hope that one day comes where I am welcomed back. Until then, I need to learn how to make the best of this new normal....

Under Shadows

How do I live under your shadow?
How do I continue to thrive?
How do I have limits and boundaries?
How can I even survive?

Your shadow haunts my fucking hallways,
A place where you have never been.
Every wilderness trail, shop, corner store...
This is getting damn well obscene.

I'm tired of the measuring stick at my door step.
So sick of everyone's  need to compare.
Such bullshit nothing can just be ours.
My heart hurts from my despair.

Your presence invades my space daily;
I wish you'd please just give us space.
Does he even see me
Or does he still just see your face?

Choose beauty

I try to see the beauty of every day. There has to be at least one beautiful thing every day, right? That gorgeous sunrise or sunset that paints the sky. The hoar frost that blankets the trees. The sundog that wraps itself around the sun. The gleam in your love's eyes. The sound of a child's laughter rippling through the mundane....

But, honestly, there are days that shit doesn't cut it....somedays where it takes an awful lot to see beyond the bad - let alone the beautiful.

83 and I have a situation in our lives that likes to raise the ooglay bar more often than not, intentionally trying to zap each and every ounce of beauty in our lives. A parasitic situation that latches on with lockjaw strength. There were times we let the situation steal our joy...however, it never successfully tore us apart.

Lately, we have chosen to simply laugh at the idiocy of it all. Honestly,  the shit that happens (and how laced it is with lunacy and illogicality  and paranoia) is, from an outside perspective,  hilarious at best.

We couldn't make the nonsense up if we tried... With great certainty,  I'd bet money that the genius imaginations of the likes of J.R.R Tolkein and George Lucas could not fathom the mania nor how the bottom can fall right out of it and how quickly that can happen.

And so, we both struggled to find the beauty in those days. There is no beauty in irrational behavior, narcasstic patterns or entitled mindsets. So how did we decide to not allow it to zap our joy, peace and sanctuary?

We simply accepted that we are not responsible for the behavior or choices or even perceptions of anyone other than ourselves. If our motives are questioned and misinterpreted by ignorance, let it be so. If our behaviours threaten the insecurities of the unhinged, let it be so.

There is beauty in the knowledge that you are in control of the peace, joy and well-being in only the space you make up. Our responsibility is to keep our souls peaceful and protected, and to protect our home environment.  Within the confines of our house is a space that welcomes friends and family, a space that is calming, restful and welcoming - filled with love and laughter.

In that space, we choose to find our beauty. Together, we strive to make it such by being watchful of the attitudes that walk through our doorway. Malicious, unapologetic,  ill-willed people are lucky to make it to the step let alone gain access (although one such person likes to find ways to utilize naivety and youthful innocence to barge their way where they are not welcome when we are not home).

The long and the short of it is this, we have made a conscious decision to not allow others to rob our joy, to smell the flowers, to breath in the fresh air, to allow the mud to squish between our toes and to enjoy the beauty in the every day on this journey we walk together.

Is it always easy? Fuck, no. Sometime we need to be reminded what our priorities are for our lives. How awesome it is to be part of a relationship where it is rare for both people to be down at the same time; gentle reminders from the other encourage and strengthen. At times those gentle reminders sound more like "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or 'stop pouting". Haha.

When you get down to the nitty gritty  there really is beauty in every day....it just depends if we decide to feed the ugly or feed the beauty. I would rather feed the beauty.