Grief

Grief truly is this unexpressed love that no longer has an outlet. It's this flow of adoring energy that gets stopped up somewhere alongside that lump in your throat; you know, the one that triggers your tears.

But I must be stronger than that. 

Pushes the tears away.

But I can't let them see me cry right now. 

Swallows back the sobs.

It wasn't a choice I was in control over. 

Smiles softly to those at my side.

Stopped up love is grief. Stopped up grief is a killer.

Finally

finally a diagnosis for this 6 months of extreme physical pain my body has been in. Finally an answer that is neither scary or crippling - a tad overwhelming but that is all.

I can do overwhelming.  I can do one day at a time, especially when I have been told it should be completely gone in 2 years.

Finally a medication that helped relieve the pain.  One day in, on a super high dose before tapering off,  and I am already noticing a huge diffrrence. I was able to dress and prepare for the day without debilitating pain. I even sat on the wooden benches to watch my step-son's game and could get up without walking like a 102 year old woman.

Finally,  after 6 months of scattered sleep from all this pain, I slept through the night, waking only momentarily at 1:56 am. I was distraught thinking "here we go again", but a guided meditation video and relaxation breathing exercises lulled me right back into a sweet slumber.

Another "finally" and a bizarre one at that, after a year long silent treatment from my husband's ex, She Who Shant Be Named, communicated with me 2 days in a row. I damn near fell over from the shock of it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm prepared for one of 2 things: 

A. a blow up like last year where she tries to hurt my feelings telling me to go to hell. She clearly has no idea how exciting that would be. I've longed to go to Norway for as long as I could breath.

B. This was an isolated weekend, or she took her medication or the Christmas Spirit moved her and...the Silent Treatment will resume.

Not too sure if she realizes that as much as I wish the two of us could get along and be, at least, friendly with each other for the kids, her silence doesn't bother me. In actuality,  it is a necessity for peace of mind - at least until she learns to control her tongue, her temper, her jealousy and her idiotic notions that she is a victim in a circus she created. 

so fucking tired

I'm so fucking tired of Princess S.M. and her shit don't stink attitude. She is an abuser and has continued to do so for almost  6 years. 

There's no end in sight to this. None.  I'm lost and hopeless. 

Deplorable lunacy

The discussion began with her demanding the kids on Halloween.  She was told she could get 1.5 hours. He was told she intended to kidnap the kids from school - regardless of his wishes or desire or instruction for his week of access.

She dropped the children off on their usual schedule and one child came with a costume.  No other discussion had been had or settled  regarding Halloween. We had already bought costumes for our house.

We decided to have them home and ready to go for 6, presuming she was going to come. One had no costume sent over so she was sent with no costume. She did come.

We were accused of being deplorable,  of lunacy and of damaging children. She brought them home late because she does whatever the fuck she wants anyway.

Two faces   One for the people she tries to fool. One for us. It exudes emotional abuses each time it looks our way.  She tries to break us, not only emotionally but relationally.  She tries to ruin moments so the kids only have memories of things not going well, or upset and confusion.

I wish she would move on, find her happiness so she can stop trying to ruin ours. Jealousy is an ugly accessory she has chosen to wear.

Ironically,  her attempts are met with our laughter. Pumpkin, move on, let go and sort through your shit. 

Another failure

I'm angry at myself for being afraid... afraid to swim afraid to learn...afraid.
I miss out on so much fun.
My husband, with the kids,  in the deep end and diving  off the board.
There I sit, in a corner, of the shallow end...a loser...inept.
They are in the lake, far beyond my comfort zone, and I turn back, wrap my towel around myself,  bury my toes in the sand and try to forbid that hot tear from escaping.

Not so blended

When one ingredient doesn't want to blend.... you know, like when you are making gravy and add the cornstarch or flour without making it into a rue first.... and then you wind up with lumpy gravy that doesn't appeal to anyone.

One of the children in our blended family has absolutely nothing to do their step parent's family.  The only time this child gets involved is when materialistic fun comes into play. There is so much selfishness and zero acceptance or participation... As parent and step parent,  this is heartbreaking to watch and to be subjected to.  It is difficult to bear witness to the blatant disregard of our family unit...especially knowing how this child is ignored from the other side of their family when they are there.

My role

My role has changed

to chauffeur and bank roll.

to silent but supportive yet inconsequential

I will never claw my way out from under her fucking shadow  and I must accept that or move on.