You know, I had a terribly long post that sounded whiney and poor, poor pitiful me-ish. It was all about wondering if I would still be who I am if I could go back in time and erase some of those terrible experiences, choices, words...would I be a better me, totally different, would my life be any sort of resemblance of what it is now...
It was very remniscent of teenage angst...emo drivel...
I can not mourn what was or what was not...what could have been or should have been...it is what it is and I am what I am and I am where I am but oh, how I wish I had listened to my intuition..
And I choose to be the best that I can (even though I find it completely ironic that I typoed on 'best' and originally typed 'messed')
I have an unorthodox history, one that is less than stellar with shady characters and climatic twists in the plot, mellow dramatic soundtracks, highs and lows and I need to be ok with that...I am ok with that. Not all movies are of the caliber of "Gone with the Wind"...sometimes they are a bit more "Pirates of the Carribean" or "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" (ok creepy Johnny Depp theme here - Grin).
"I yam what I yam"...me and Popeye...we be kicking it old school...loving ourselves, not only for who we are, but for who we are capable of being...
I have a feeling that it is easier for you to accept others' pasts than it is for you to accept your own. Just a hunch.
ReplyDeleteI think your "unorthodox" past has given you a much different perspective on life than people like me, who shied away from "shady", will ever have.
Perhaps there are also some battle scars that remain from said past?
Once in awhile, I think it's okay to not feel okay - your history IS part of who you ARE - however, I pray that God will continue to remind you of His faithful love to you regardless of where you were and are and that you don't get stuck looking back.
Thank you, once again, for your friendship and your kind words, Maureen. You are right in many aspects of your comment and those are things I allow for God to use, deal with, use as a strength in me...whatever He feels is best. I do know that His plan for me is perfect and His timing is as well. He uses all of those things for good even though they were intended for harm. I guess the best thing is that I blame no one, right?
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about not getting stuck looking back. My goal is to look forward and to move forward every day.I thank you for your prayers and your friendship. :D You are a very special person. :D