Train Whistles Blowing Create a Long, Lonely Sound

I have, over time and circumstances, allowed wedges to be driven between me and my children. I have had expectations put on me and if I don't meet them, I find myself in the midst of hours long lectures and drug into meeting after meeting at "the church" to modify my behaviour. Being continually beat down like that caused me to put up walls with everyone, including my kids, and I held them close but at just enough of a distance that they weren't pulled in as close as they could have been. (I'm just being transparent here). As a mom, there have been hurts and I think I just shoved them down and smiled like all was well...all while holding my children close enough that they knew how much I love them but not close enough that I could be hurt by them to the most possible depths. (not entirely logical is it?)

I know I need to soften those walls. I need my babies as much as they need me...I'm just completely afraid of facing the rejection again...

Tonight, I lay down on the top of Bug's blankets as he struggled to sleep and began to rub his forehead. The instant I began to rub his forehead, I began to sing some of the songs my children loved to hear when I would tuck them in. I cried as I struggled to remember the words to one of those songs, as I thought of lost moments...

The thing with revelation is you have a choice...stay where you have been or move to where you should be. I choose to move to where I should be...to lessen the gap that I have put between my children and I.

Do you know how I started?

"Train whistles blowing
Make a sleepy noise
Underneath their blankets,
Go all the girls and boys
Rocking, roling, riding
Out along the bay
All bound for morning town
Many miles away
Somewhere there is sunshine
Somewhere there is day
Somewhere there's a morning town
Many miles away
Jellybean's at the engine
Rush rings the bell
Bug swings the lantern
To show that all is well
Somewhere there is sunshine
Somewhere there is day
Somewhere there's a morning town
Many miles away"

We made the song ours by inserting our names...and tonight, I made it ours again...somewhere there is sunshine and I found that place the moment I let the son shine on that darkness and fill it with transcendent light!

Ambushed and bamboozled

That is what I feel happened to me during the first half of the course I am taking. I had no idea what to expect...content wise, expectation wise, exam wise... Most weeks I was a single mother as B.D. was away with work for weeks at a time. I ran with kids here and there,got them home and to bed and then studied into the morning, got a few hours sleep and one day looped into the next just the very same. Things fell apart here. Fast food meals were purchased more than not, laundry was neglected until volcanic mountains of laundry erupted, spewing forth from our rooms, papers were not dealt with, they were simply piled and groceries were not bought as they should be - a bread/milk run here and there. Stress levels escalated...primarily mine. I am in clean up phase one of recovery while waiting for my second half to begin. I am also much more equipped to prepare for the second half. I know what to expect. I will be ready. Prepared. I think I know how to make the conclusion better...I at least know where to start. My last post divulges that information...I will seize the moments and not let them seize me...

What a feeling!

Friday morning I wrote my first final for this course...One semester down...5 more months to go.

Right now, however, I am on a break (Cue "Friends" theme song here).

2 quizzes 93% average
one final exam 76%
one essay yet to be marked

I have guesstimated that, if I were to get at least an 80% on the essay, I will have a final mark for the first semester in the low 80s. Yay!!!!

I'm not going to blow smoke at anyone, including myself...
It was difficult. There were moments of frustration, tears, defeat, lonlieness and resentment.

Yes, I felt resentful. I am not proud. I had moments where it felt like I never saw my family. Ok, really, I never saw my family. I cried tears in my pillow, mumbling things like people just didn't get it and there was no way I could do all I was being asked to do.



BUT

the greatest gift of all

I know I am capable of more than I thought I was.

Including passing this course...I did it! And I will successfully complete the second one as well...

My family (children) understood...understand

and they understand that there will be another season of it.

Next go around I know what to expect, how to plan...

The next little while, I am enjoying my family...

And I am taking time to smell the roses...which means a few picnics, museum trips, strolls with the family...

Oh, and maybe get back on track here...

A Tale of Two Duckies

(Bug's 3rd grade class has been raising two ducklings to release into Memorial Gardens in honor of their classmate who passed away earlier this school year. A lot of 3rd grade classes do this project each year but this year, for our family, it has special meaning because of Mathew's passing. Each student takes a turn to bring the ducklings home to care for them during the evening. Tonight was our turn. I thought it would be fun to send a letter back to the class, sharing the details of their visit with us...here is "The Tale of Two Duckies")

Dear Mrs B and our Grade 3 class friends,

We had a lot of fun tonight at Bug's house. Some of his friends came over to meet us - a few kids but mostly grown-ups. Our fuzzy yellow, adorableness (that's duck for 'cute') brought big, joyful smiles to their faces; we think they felt young at heart just to be around us.

Webster spent a lot of snuggle time with Bug's sister, Jellybean. In fact, at one point of the night, she was holding him like a baby, stroking his head and he was soaking up all that love like a sponge.

Bug & I spent a lot of quality time together. Don't tell Webster but, I'm pretty sure I'm Bug's favorite. Close to Bug's bedtime, we were snuggling on the couch and we were both so comfortable with each other that we fell asleep. Well...until I did something to wake us both up; I'll let Bug tell you that story if he wants. He's way better at story telling than I - after all, I am a duck.

Bug shares very nicely. He let us use his tub for swimming, nibble on his fingers, ears, hair and nose. He giggled like a mad man when we did that - guess he likes it. We were glad he liked the way we showed him our affection. (His sister had sparkly things on her ears and neck; we really like sparkly things! :D)

Our room {insert to add: a giant rubber made tote}was always neat, clean and dry; Bug made sure of that. Well...except for when all we wanted to do was play in the water. He let us play & then cleaned up after us. How cool is that?

Bug & his family have pictures of us and I'll bet they will share them if you want {insert to add they will make their grand appearance on this very blog in the next couple of days}.  We had a wonderul adventure here and are looking forward to another adventure with another child from Grad 3.

Keep it real, peeps.
(that's duck for 'bye for now')

First part of school...

almost done...Yes! And again I say YES!!!! Assignment 1 and 2 are turned in and 1 has been marked and returned - 91.3%. I'm anxiously awaiting #2 being marked and returned. My essay, on glaucoma, is completed, proof-read and sent to my boss for a final "inspection". I will email that as soon as I hear back from him. I have a checklist I needed the doctor to sign to fax in to the college and I am good to write my final for part one...

I came close to my breaking point a couple times...there were tears, there were tantrums, there were moments of complete doubt in my ability to even get to where I am right now with working full-time, my husband working out of town so much and a busy family/church life...but I did it!

Oh and P.S. I know it wasn't me all on my own who did it...I have lots of kind, supportive friends and family

Lesson Learned

So, Monday afternoon I looked into my 8 year old son's room and saw that my numerous requests for him to clean his room had not reached his ears. 

Lessons need to be learned and threats needed to have follow through.  While Bug was at school, this mama took a box of big, black garbage bags and cleaned his room her way. He may or may not be thrilled with what he begins to discover are no longer in his possession.

I think the lesson has been learned because the remaining toys have been picked up since AND...his bed has been made every morning before school...

And, side note, Jellybean has been making her bed each morning before school too...Lesson learned x 2!!!  Woo hoo!

It's coming together

I have been working my behind off...unfortunately, it hasn't been in the literal sense of the phrase but, I digress one sentence into my post.

I finished the first part of the course I have been working on 3 weeks before my deadline. This means I have 3 weeks to write my essay on glaucoma and to study for the first final exam. Two assignments have been handed in and one has been returned. I am pleased to say I got 91.3% on the first one and am thankful that the final exam is only worth 50% of my mark...

It has been a busy few weeks since my uncle's funeral. I have finished the course content of school (first half - as said before), had a few photoshoots (including a wedding - pictures coming soonish), a few more coming up and have some upcoming weekend training with the girls from work (looking forward to that!)

Anyway, back to glaucoma...the internal pressure is getting to me (pun completely intended although somewhat inappropriate)