Saturday, April 24, 2010

Hard to say

It's hard to say whether this visit is going good or bad or just as it should. 

There's a lot of tension here.  BigDaddy figures it is a spiritual tension.  Our atmosphere has, in a sense, been disrupted.

It's really hard and heart breaking to sit in this house with my daughter and feel uncomfortable, awkward - to feel like strangers.

But we are.

I don't know who she is anymore.

She absolutely had to go to bed at midnight last night as she was "so tired" but, she ended up staying up until 5:30 this morning doing God knows what.  Did she stay here?  Did she sneak out?  I don't know.  There's nothing I can really do about it anyway - not right now (other than pray and that is mightier than anything else I could think of saying or doing).

She is loving her ability to flaunt all the things my mom buys for her - the things that I can't, at this time, buy for the members of my family.  Things like a $50 bus pass (monthly), $40 nails (monthly), tanning beds, cell phone bill, brand name clothes (monthly), hair appointments and professional hair dye (monthly). 

I will be honest, I am partially jealous.  When I lived with my mom I never got any of those things and it makes me wonder, at times, why she loves Rush more than I?

She wanted to watch a movie with her brother.  The movie she picked..."Finding Nemo".  "Finding Nemo"!  Seriously!  I wonder if that was intentional to see what my reaction would be or if she just wasn't thinking.  For those of you who are knew to reading my blog, you can find out here.

Is it wrong for me to just want things to be back to normal?  To have my daughter curl up on the couch beside me, to be happy for me instead of distancing herself from me and trying to one-up me?

I'm trying to rejoice in the babysteps but I'm a mom and I just want my baby back!

3 comments:

  1. Ok, so I read this post before the one about the dreams. And when I read the one about the dreams, this one, about your tension, made TOTAL sense.

    If she does "have things she wants to say" that she is scared to say, then that is probably causing her to "act out", because she is scared. And maybe part of her fear is trying to make you feel bad. Whatever, you said it yourself, it's spiritual, and CLEARLY, God is ALREADY working. Faith is the evidence of things unseen, the hope of things to come. Heb 11:1. Cling to that. have faith that God IS, right NOW, taking care of her heart and life. Love her, be happy for her that she is getting those things, because you want her to be happy and to feel blessed and pampered and cared for. She WILL see that those things are nothing compared to your love for her, and I would venture to guess that she already knows that, but is too stuck in her rebellion to admit that to anyone, and maybe even herself. Delight in her "good fortune." Maybe that can help you bridge the gap. I will pray. Have faith, mama. She is "your heart."

    Ok, all done with armchair psychiatry for the hour. ;)

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  2. Oh, I have no words for you. I truly wish I did. I am praying. God loves that {little} girl of yours even more than you, and He loves you too. He has a plan and a purpose. Everything is ordained.

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  3. Arm chair pshychiatry taken. The check is in the mail. :-D

    I know that my "frustration" is due to the high hopes that I had for this weekend that don't seem to be passing...

    God can and will move this mountain. I have no doubt in Him. Her...not so sure.... {grin}

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