It's hard to say whether this visit is going good or bad or just as it should.
There's a lot of tension here. BigDaddy figures it is a spiritual tension. Our atmosphere has, in a sense, been disrupted.
It's really hard and heart breaking to sit in this house with my daughter and feel uncomfortable, awkward - to feel like strangers.
But we are.
I don't know who she is anymore.
She absolutely had to go to bed at midnight last night as she was "so tired" but, she ended up staying up until 5:30 this morning doing God knows what. Did she stay here? Did she sneak out? I don't know. There's nothing I can really do about it anyway - not right now (other than pray and that is mightier than anything else I could think of saying or doing).
She is loving her ability to flaunt all the things my mom buys for her - the things that I can't, at this time, buy for the members of my family. Things like a $50 bus pass (monthly), $40 nails (monthly), tanning beds, cell phone bill, brand name clothes (monthly), hair appointments and professional hair dye (monthly).
I will be honest, I am partially jealous. When I lived with my mom I never got any of those things and it makes me wonder, at times, why she loves Rush more than I?
She wanted to watch a movie with her brother. The movie she picked..."Finding Nemo". "Finding Nemo"! Seriously! I wonder if that was intentional to see what my reaction would be or if she just wasn't thinking. For those of you who are knew to reading my blog, you can find out here.
Is it wrong for me to just want things to be back to normal? To have my daughter curl up on the couch beside me, to be happy for me instead of distancing herself from me and trying to one-up me?
I'm trying to rejoice in the babysteps but I'm a mom and I just want my baby back!