and I just can't seem to get control of my emotions or my heart right now. I am writing this raw. Straight out of the moment. I will apologize in advance for things I say that don't sound like they are founded in faith or hope right now.
I have been trying to get my daughter to visit us all summer. She keeps telling me she has no way out here so I made arrangements with BigDaddy that we would go get her. Now she is too committed to babysit my nephew for free than to come here for two day. I am so choked at Rush and my sister right now! I hate that this part of my life has come to this. I hate that my daughter is not a part of my life! I hate that I know the guy down the street better than my own daughter! I hate that my heart is breaking and it seems like there is no hope she will ever really be part of our lives again - not in a loving way.
I love Rush. She was appropriately named. Her name means "to hold dear : feel or show affection for; to entertain or harbor in ones mind deeple and resolutely". She is one of the best things that has ever happened to me so WHY does it have to hurt this much to have her in my life? Does my heart really have to be broken in a million pieces for the rest of my life? God, I don't think I have the strength to do this! I know I don't! I need You to help me through this. I can't do it on my own. I can't...
Today is supposed to be a day of celebration. Today is Bug's 7th birthday party. Today is supposed to be all about him! I have to pull myself together, get off this pity party train and be the best mom I can be to the children that want me in their lives. I need to stand strong, rise up and be Jellybean and Bug's mom and, I guess,let that be my motherly focus. I have done what I can with and for Rush. Now, I leave the rest to God.
***Edited to add:
I have been blitzed by the enemy. I let all the thoughts and feelings I was having overwhelm me but, I want you all to know that, even though I am embarrassed by my emotional breakdown, I am a lot better now. Does it hurt less? No, it does not. Do I miss her less? No, not on your life. Am I handling it better? Yes. As I said earlier, I have faith in my God (don't think it was this post) and I know that his arm is not too short that He can not plunge it into this situation and alter it forever. I know. I believe and I trust.
Thank you for the prayers of those friends who I know are praying. Your prayers have lifted and carried me over some sorrowful times and I love you for that!