Saturday, July 24, 2010

My heart is breaking

and I just can't seem to get control of my emotions or my heart right now.  I am writing this raw.  Straight out of the moment.  I will apologize in advance for things I say that don't sound like they are founded in faith or hope right now.

I have been trying to get my daughter to visit us all summer.  She keeps telling me she has no way out here so I made arrangements with BigDaddy that we would go get her.  Now she is too committed to babysit my nephew for free than to come here for two day. I am so choked at Rush and my sister right now!  I hate that this part of my life has come to this.  I hate that my daughter is not a part of my life! I hate that I know the guy down the street better than my own daughter! I hate that my heart is breaking and it seems like there is no hope she will ever really be part of our lives again - not in a loving way.

I love Rush.  She was appropriately named.  Her name means "to hold dear : feel or show affection for; to entertain or harbor in ones mind deeple and resolutely". She is one of the best things that has ever happened to me so WHY does it have to hurt this much to have her in my life?  Does my heart really have to be broken in a million pieces for the rest of my life?  God, I don't think I have the strength to do this!  I know I don't!  I need You to help me through this. I can't do it on my own.  I can't...

Today is supposed to be a day of celebration.  Today is Bug's 7th birthday party.  Today is supposed to be all about him!  I have to pull myself together, get off this pity party train and be the best mom I can be to the children that want me in their lives. I need to stand strong, rise up and be Jellybean and Bug's mom and, I guess,let that be my motherly focus. I have done what I can with and for Rush.  Now, I leave the rest to God.

***Edited to add:

I have been blitzed by the enemy.  I let all the thoughts and feelings I was having overwhelm me but, I want you all to know that, even though I am embarrassed by my emotional breakdown, I am a lot better now.  Does it hurt less?  No, it does not.  Do I miss her less? No, not on your life.  Am I handling it better?  Yes.  As I said earlier, I have faith in my God (don't think it was this post) and I know that his arm is not too short that He can not plunge it into this situation and alter it forever.  I know.  I believe and I trust.

Thank you for the prayers of those friends who I know are praying. Your prayers have lifted and carried me over some sorrowful times and I love you for that!


  1. Stay as strong as you can and God will come through, He always does. As for Rush she should want to be there for her brother's birthday! I am so sorry you're going through this. Best of luck and Happy Birthday Bug!

  2. I am so sorry you are feeling this pain, I hope your daughter realises how blessed she is to have a mom who wants her to be part of your life. Stay strong in faith and give your troubles to the Lord xxx

  3. It is almost the second anniversary of our son Caleb's death at 17 months of age. I received a pamplet from a dear friend of mine yesterday, which in part said: "It's not true that God will not allow a burden too great to bear to come into your life. What is true is that God carries you when the burden is too heavy." It really touched me and it just came to mind again when I read your post.

    It is ok to weep and to mourn the loss of special times that you thought you would be having right now with Rush. There is a time to weep. I will pray that your future will be bright with special times with her...may it be His will...

    With Hope,

  4. Praying for you mama!!!! I love her name too:O) Praying for Rush, that she may open her heart to God!