Tuesday, July 20, 2010

This time last year

I was planning a HUGE Sweet 16 bash for Rush.  We were going to go to the spa and eat lindor chocolates and grapes and cheese and crackers and have massages. 

And we did...

We bought her a beautiful daughter pride ring - because we are proud of her.  We invited family over for pizza. 

I wanted her to have the best Sweet 16 party she could ever imagine.  I had been planning what I would do for my girl's special birthday since she was, well, about 6 months old.

16 days later she ran away from home and we have seen her about 5 times since.

It still hurts.  Usually just somewhere deep down in some managable area of my feelings, it is slightly there just sort of "reminding" me.  Sometimes it is a nagging feeling that will throw thoughts at me or memories or something like that.  Today, I am being bombarded by thoughts, memories, feelings, fears.  Like, take this one for example, I was watching Bride Wars with my kids' babysitter and my mind went to thinking "Will I ever be a part of my daughter's wedding? Do I get to help her plan stuff ? Be involved? Or am I just some side line person as she builds the relationship we should be having with my mother?"

Trying to hold these thoughts captive and not dwell on them.  It is difficult at times, like today, but I know that I have the strength.  No matter the circumstances, no matter the cost, I focus on God first and foremost but I do miss my girl.  I miss walking in the rain storms with her, laughing 'til we almost pee our pants, having someone to watch "chick flicks" with,  having someone to go shopping with and eating chocolate explosion cake...

Rush, I miss you.  I want you to come home.  I love you!  You are my pride and joy and, whether you realize it or not, you took more of me with you than you wanted to (when you left).  You took my heart.


  1. I am sorry mama. Even though He never gives us more than we can handle, the stuff we can is pretty hard. Praying that she will come home soon!

  2. ((hugs)) Wish I could "make it better" for you :(

    With Hope,