Sometimes it isn't easy

to be joyful, to find the positive in things... Yesterday was most definitely "one of those days".  Yesterday was Rush's 17 birthday.  It was the first time I have ever  not been with my daughter on her birthday, not celebrated the day she was brought into my life, not been able to hold her in my arms, kiss her softly on the head and whisper in her ear just how very much I love her.

I can tell you that it threw my entire day off kilter.  I was not myself.  I had a bad attitude about everything - me and Eyore, like attitudes yesterday.  To elaborate, I wasn't willfully speaking "depressed donkey" but it seemed like everything I set my hands to do lacked gumption, get-up-and-go, umph.

I even believed that my car had just completely died because I was trying to speed up just a smidge and the car kept slowing down more and more. Immediately I thought, "That's it; this stupid car has finally bit it." You know, until I realized my foot was on the brake. {yes, I just admitted this publicly and yes, it will be added to the book of dumb moments in my life}

I am letting every little thing get to me.  Let me re-phrase that.  Up until this very instant, I have been letting every little thing get to me.  I am rising above that and refuse to allow anything to come and rob me of my joy!

No, I am not. Who am I trying to kid? I am heart broken. I miss my daughter. I miss feeling whole. I miss feeling like I know her. I wish I knew what happened...

I have a gut feeling....I spoke to someone about it in B.D.'s church (the one I have to attend)....she told me to stop being foolish and support my husband....a month later I had an angry daughter who left in the wee hours of the morning....