There was a room full of stuff that DD2 did not take with her. The only things she took were her bedding, her teddybears, some of her clothes, her jewelry and her make-up/hair things.
I don't want to look at the rest of her stuff any more. It hurts. It tears open a wound that I can't get to completely heal. I decided that I wanted it boxed up. She wanted to leave. She needs to contend with her stuff. (It is too hard on me, on DH and on DD4 and DS3)
Last night, after the kids were in bed, I went downstairs and started sorting through her belongings. I packed up the rest of her clothes and I have begun to go through the countless books she had. Some I am just getting rid of (books I know she doesn't read - Babysitter Club, Heartland Ponies) and I am keeping others that I know DD4 and DS3 will be interested in keeping. I came across her notes from the Christian School from last year. There was so much passion for God in those notes.
What happened...?
I found the photo albums she & I put together. In the back of one was a note I had put in her lunchbox telling her that I love her. She wrote in marker just underneath it, "I love my mom".
What happened...?
I found a draft of her "runaway" letter. She said her anger for us has become too much for her to deal with. Her anger toward us? What happened...?
What happened to the young girl who loved to sit beside me and lay her head in my lap, at the age of 14 and 15 even? What happened to the young girl who would never dream of living away from me? Where did it all go wrong?
What happened to the young lady who refused to go back to the public school and told us she was either going to the Christian School or she was not going to school? What happened to the young girl that got a job to pay her own tuition to that school, who got up in front of the congregation to tell them how much happier she was?
What happened to the girl who had to get her uncle to hug and kiss the stuffed dog he gave her the day she was born to fill it up with his love so she had him with her wherever she went (even last year, as a joke - sort of)?
I can tell you what happened to her. She stole $2460.00 from the company she worked for, in a matter of 2 months. She lucked out because they saw her as a good kid who made a mistake and she was able to resign instead of being fired and was asked to simply pay restitution as opposed to going to jail and having a record. She became angry with herself at what she had done and she has hung onto everything that everyone has said and done that didn't sit right with her ever since, allowing it to add to that anger she has for herself. She says she is angry with us but I think, deep down, she is angry at herself and finds it easy to take it out on us and be angry at us instead of looking at her own faults. She has also left our family. We may feel she is still a part of our family but I don't think she does, right now. She is gone...
That's what happened; I just don't know why it happened. This is not my daughter. I know where she is but I don't know where she went...
...and I want her back.
Oh my goodness. What a tough situation to go through, especially as a mother pertaining to her child. I am sorry you are feeling this hurt, confusion and downright sorrow at her departure and all of the things she is doing to herself and you. I hope it resolves itself and you get the sweet, successful, driven and motivated daughter back that you know and love. I'll be praying for you. Sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, that is all that comes to mind after reading that. It is hard when you have the answers but you don't know what to do with them. I wouldn't be able to look at all of that stuff without feeling immense amounts of pain either, it is too much to bear all the time.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a difficult and complicated situation. I wish you the best in trying to figure the right path for your family.
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