It's a hard day today and I am not going to pretend that it isn't. Today Rush moved in with my mom and step-dad in a town an hour and half away. Things weren't didn't work out quite the way she wanted or hoped at her sister's house (an hour and a half the other direction) and so, Rush is moving into, yet another person's house.
I had hoped that when this happened that she would realize she belonged here. I had hoped that she would find her way home again. I had hoped for my girl back. But, for now, that hope has not been realized. For now.
I still have that hope. I still hope for God to call her back home, for her to want to be with us, for me to be able to just hear her voice, her laughter, her footsteps in my house again.
I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt my heart or that I haven't had to fight from crying at work all day or that once home, the tears erupted and have yet to quit. I can't lie and not say that I have asked God what it is I am doing and have done wrong or what I need to do to get my daughter back. I can't lie and say that I don't feel slightly jealous of other people I know whose daughters have returned to them (even though the biggest part of me is reoicing for them, part of me wonders 'why can't that be me and my daughter'). I also won't sit here and tell you that I am mad at God because I most certainly am not. This is not His fault - in any way, shape or form. I can also tell you that through tears, while driving home, I told God that no matter what the outcome of this, I will praise Him. He will always be my God.
It reminds me of a song we sing. "Blessed is your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be your name. Blessed be your name in a land that is plentiful where the streams of abundance flow, Blessed be your name." And another part that says this, "Blessed be your name when there's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name."
So yes, there is pain. No one told me that my life would be painfree when I became a Christian; they told me that God is my healer and my provider, that He is my Abba Father. I shall keep my focus on Him. I don't plan on going to God in prayer, begging Him to bring my daughter back home to me. He knows my needs - my every need. I have asked Him and now I will continue to thank Him that it is done until it is done. Perhaps she will never again live in my house; that is not for me to know right now. But what I do know is this, God is restoring the hearts of the fathers to the sons and the hearts of the sons to the fathers - that means me and my daughter as well.
And God doesn't change just because I am having a bad day. My tears and my hurts don't make Him less of a God, less of a King. He is good and He is just and I will serve Him just as whole heartedly as ever, and try all the more to serve Him more.