Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

Yesterday was my birthday. I know! Happy birthday to me! I wish. I turned 35 and I have a 16 year old teenager. Yes, I was a teenaged parent, and a single parent for the first few yars of her life (minues the first couple when I was with her abusive father, who we haven't seen, thank God, in years and years. Yes, it has been hard, made easier when I met a great man who welcomed becoming her father with open arms and heart.

This made for a brand new set of trials but we got over them. For awhile...

Over the last year things with her have gotten very rough and very confusing. This has played a nasty game of tug-o-war with my heart but, it hasn't been until the last few months that the game took a nasty turn; three weeks ago I found myself face first in the mud, not knowing what had happened or how I had gotten there.

Last year my daughter demanded to be taken out of the public school system; she worked to pay her way into a Christian school. Something happened. Somewhere bitterness, resentment, anger and rebellion saturated her; she was let go of her job for stealing (not a little amount) and was given alternative measures - only needing to pay restitution. I think now, our "saving" her from the reality of what she did only sent her spiralling further into wherever it was she had gone.

We got "our girl" back, after fighting, through prayer, for what seemed like ever - but was months or weeks; I really don't know - it truly did feel like ever. Then, again, something happened that sent her into a pit of darkness that has gotten worse and worse. Now, we have a 16 year old who is doing everything she can to make us kick her out. THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

Obviously, if she wants to leave, we can't stop her but, we are not going to kick her out. She wants to leave - she can make that decision.

What are we doing now? We cry a lot, in the privacy of our bedroom, and pray - a lot and just keep loving on her as best as we can and as much as she will allow us.

Yesterday she didn't even wish me a happy birthday until her dad got upset with her. She mumbled happy birthday at me while throwing a candy at me from the bottom of her purse. I felt the love - really and truly I did, and I tried not to cry as a result of that love (or lack there of).

We have a strong faith in God, and, yes, I know there will be times, like these first two posts, where I sound like Miss Negativity but I am not being negative. I just want to fill in the history. Perhaps our valleys will help you through your trials and perhaps, as I get people seeing this site, you can help me through ours.

God will bring us through this AND He WILL bring DD2 safely out of the clutches of this dark ride she has put herself on, if she will allow Him.

Somedays I may sound sad and broken hearted, and that is because I am; it breaks my heart to see her miserable in her life and to see darkness and sadness in her eyes and to hear hollowness in her voice. She is not my daughter. Does that shock you?! Let me explain. She IS my daughter and always will be and I will love her NO MATTER WHAT; however, my daughter is lost somewhere in the clutches of bitterness, hurts and anger, and she cries out to us every so often.

Yes, every so often we get a glimpse of our girl; there is a softness in her face and a sweetness in her voice and right now we cling to those moments of hope.

I need to go; she wants to watch Finding Nemo with us. Not because she wants to spend time with us but because she is a good manipulator and knows how to make us think she is fine. I will take this moment though and use it to my "advantage".

I love this girl with everything I have in me and I refuse to give up on her. I can be stubborn that way.

1 comment:

  1. Linked here from another blog where I saw you mention your daughter. I'm a parent of a teen girl and two other kids (one boy, one girl) in their 20s. Parenting through these years can be very tough, very tough. But it sounds like you have tough love. Hold on to that. When parenting is rough I remind myself, "This is what it is like to be God - to love in the tough situations, to love people that don't even understand the nature of love." Parenting teens has helped me understand God better, and understand even myself a little more. God bless, keep loving, and hang in there. wb