Friday, August 21, 2009

T Minus DD2 Day Two

Yesterday I went to work; what could I do. If I stayed home, I knew that I would throw myself a terrific pity party complete with chips, dip, chocolate, and whatever fast food I could get my hands on. My heart tries to convince me to just mope around the house, to sit on my couch with a box of tissue in my lap and cry until I have turned myself insided out. (That may almost be possible; it has sure felt like I have come close a time or two.)

My two young children are having so much trouble understanding this. "Is she mad at us?", "What did we do wrong?", "Will we ever see her again?". Those questions have been heart breaking to hear and difficult to answer. "I don't know" is hard to give to someone who is looking to you for hope.

We are trying to fill their days with normalcy, as much as we can. DD4 went to a friend's house yesterday, had a birthday party and went bowling. It is difficult to rejoice over a bowling score of "75 and last time I had 43" when you just want to shout "I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK!!!! I did do my best and offered a high-five to the bowling 'champ'. DS3 went to Pa's house and played with him, Grandma and their dog. He woke up with a slight fever yesterday morning; it made his emotions very raw and intense.

The kids aren't eating much, but we are trying to get them to by making their big brother's "famous" dish - the only one he knew to make before he moved out.

I helped DD4 make her bed last night as it was a jumble of 80 lbs of blankets and another 90 of stuffed animals. As I was putting her animals at the end of her bed, she begged me, "Don't put Monka in with those guys." I have to admit I didn't really know who Monka is (she changes names to her animals more than I change socks); she explained to me that Monka is the Rescue Pet that DD2 gave her for Christmas last year and that she NEEDS to have her on her pillow and she NEEDS to sleep with her. She NEEDS to be close to DD2 and she feels this is the only way.

There are two pictures in our bedroom of the youngest 5 of our children (we have 7) and I wake every morning to my beautiful DD2's face smiling at me and there is joy in her eyes, and I cry because I miss her. Thought about moving them so I don't see them when I first open my eyes; you know, so I don't start every day with tears. I just can't seem to do it yet.

It did seem a bit "easier" yesterday - perhaps part of my brain has convinced me that she is working out at the farm or that she is at a friend's. I do think there will be another wave of grief once we are full fledged into school and regular schedules.

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