In the attempts to keep busy, to keep a sense of normalcy and to try to "move on" (which is what I have been told I must do "carry on; don't et depression kick in; you must continue to live your life as though she never left), we went as a family (meaning household members) to a neighboring city to spend some time together.
I needed to return an external hard drive thingy for the hard drive I have with all my pictures; ok, DH did because I know nothing about the practical side of computers (the technical, maintenance part) and so I never would have known what to buy.
We went to an Asian buffet where we just happened to run into DD2's biological dad; my heart filled with fear and dread, in fact, I couldn't breath. He was a mean man. I don't know if he saw me (I think he did) but he never acknowledged that he did and I am so grateful for that. I didn't even want to get up and get food for fear of having to deal with him...I did. Get up and get food that is. I was kinda proud of myself for being able to do that, even though DH told me I had better breath before I passed out in my vietnamese spring rolls.
We walked around one of the malls and I am kind of wishing we had chose another one to visit. You see DD2 and I lived in that city for many years and we spent many hours at that mall with our very dear friend and her son. Each nook and cranny held a memory of her beautiful blond curls, her big blue eyes and her infectious laugh, but I tried to not let those things bother me and, for the most part, it worked.
I think the worst thing for me was seeing all the mothers and daughters shopping together for new clothes and sitting at the food court, laughing over their snacks or their lunches. It ripped my heart right out. I wonder if I will ever get to do that with DD2 again. I wonder if she will ever love us enough again that we may do those things.
Don't tell DD4 and DS3 that I, like them, wonder if DD loves us, why she hates us and will she ever love us again. Don't tell them because I have nicely rehearsed answers for them to ease their young broken hearts and ever-questioning minds.
On the drive home I did what I always do, What DD2 and I spent the most of our time together doing in her younger years, I found shapes in the clouds. DH doesn't understand or appreciate the greatness of this game and was a tad bit thrown for a loop when I shouted "Fire breathing snail!" out of the blue. He thought I had truly lost my marbles.
Just for an FYI, by the time that "fire breathing snail" cloud had completley morphed, it had wound up looking like a dump truck dumping its load of whatever it had.
I thought some of you would appreciate that; you're welcome. DH just thought I was strange.
After my cloud watching, I dozed off, only to be waken with tears by the sudden realization that I am being ripped off of being able to teach DD2 how to drive, of the photo of the first time she is behind the wheel (not including the time she was 3 years old driving her uncle's farm truck), of seeing the joy on her face when she gets to tell me she passed her driver's test, of all sorts of things.
I wonder if we will ever be at a point where #1 I can just have a day with the kids and DH without some part of it being overwhelmed with grief, #2 she & I will ever be able to share those mother/daughter moments again, #3 if we will ever be able to participate in the many firsts she has left to experience and #4 if we will ever be invited to participate in any of the joys & sorrows her life will hold.
I am usually such a joyful, happy person and I am so frustrated that every part of my life seems laden with grief, guilt and dispair right now. I hate writing this sounding like a debbie-downer; yet I feel guilt when I re-read something that has a spark of joy or a hint of a joke.
I so don't like this new normal one little bit but, I don't exactly have a choice now, do I? I do want to start sharing some of the more fun things that happen in our lives too. I need to document those things as well; just know that when I started this blog to share the ups and downs of parenting I never knew it would turn so quickly into the chronicles of a mom coping with the emotions I am.
I have a very sick DD4 right now (fever/flu) so I am going to go do what I know I do well, when it comes to parenting, and snuggle her, rub her forehead and force her to eat soda crackers and drink gingerale. I will feel much less like a failure as a mom, at least momentarily.