Monday, August 24, 2009

T Minus DD2 Day 5

Dear DD2,
Things are getting easier as each day passes. That doesn't mean we don't miss you to pieces and wish you were here, far from it, in fact. We miss you tremendously. It just means we (especially me) aren't overcome with grief every time we turn around. It means laughter with each other and the ability to joke are becoming less forced and more natural again.

It still hurts that you aren't here and there is still a void - there always will be but we have to respect that fact that you have made your decision and we will not live in grief the rest of our lives.

It has been (and still is) a process of dealing with a countless variety of emotions. I knew I would be sad you were gone, devestated even. Depressed at the extremes. I never knew that there would be times I was completely angry with you or feel betrayed by you. I do feel anger. I am angry that with everything we have been through in our lives I have never once thought of bailing on you, that I always stood fast for you, that there was never a doubt in my mind that, together, we could make it through anything. And there were tough things we had to deal with. We had to deal with the violence of your biological dad, with the fact that he never paid support which led us to many days of little to no food in our house. We dealt with so much together and it never once crossed my mind to just run. The minute things don't seem to go your way, what did you do to me? To us? You bailed out! That makes me angry (not all the time but it does make me angry).

I feel betrayed by you because for all I did to sacrifice for you, for us, you are, right now, too selfish to see what your behavior and decision are doing to us.

Having these feelings doesn't mean I hate you and it most certainly doesn't mean I am glad you are gone. I could never hate you nor be happy you chose to leave. It just means that I am coping with loss and emotions and feelings that I have to deal with.

I am angry because your choices are taking things away that I never dreamed would happen: like me being able to teach you to drive. I wonder what it will be like for your graduation. Will we be involved? Will I be able to do for you what I did for DS1 and DD1? Are you going to be going to Dad's ex-wife, since you live with her daughter, for things you should be coming to me for? Is she going to be spending more time with you then I will ever get to again?

And that turns the anger right back to sorrow and heartbreak again; I do know that someday, someway everything will be all right. That is between 'Amen' and 'There it is' but it's the waiting that is hard. I will not allow my faith to weaken in the mean time and I am fighting to stay strong.

I know you are safe and are being cared for; I hope you are healing and I hope the healing that comes to you will allow you to deal with all the bitterness and anger you have, that you will soften your heart again and that when I look in your eyes I will see my daughter. When I hear your voice I want to be able to hear my daughter.


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