Sunday, August 23, 2009

T Minus DD2 Day 4

DD4 is sick today; she has a very high fever, is throwing up and is very needy, in a snuggly way. I can handle that; I can handle having my child want to be near me.

It seems like the days are getting harder as opposed to easier. Shouldn't it be getting easier? Shouldn't I be getting accustomed to the whole idea? It seems like grief has captured my soul right now. It is supressing my spirit. I can begin to sing praise songs to God but certain phrases or certain words just can't come out. I try but they just can't come.

I feel totally alone in this; I feel like I am not supposed to be bothered by the fact that she is gone. My friends don't acknowledge me or can't look me in the eye or they don't even mention DD2 - like she never existed or something. My DH keeps telling me to not allow this to get me, to keep my head up and to fight but, the minute I try to do that, he is telling me I can't put a shell up. Sorry, I can't do both. I know he is trying to help but, it isn't helping. I feel like I am supposed to just carry on like this doesn't bother me AT ALL.

I feel like a huge part of me is missing, like I am walking around and, oops, there goes my whole left side! I don't know how I will ever feel complete until I get my girl back. I. Want. My. Girl. Back!

I don't think she has any idea what she is doing to me, to DH or to her little brother and sister. I don't really know if she altogether cares right now. I haven't heard from her since the day she left when she called to let me know where she was. And because I haven't heard from her, sometimes it feels like she is dead and that this is just a coping mechanism. Only I can't cope. I know worse things have happened to people; I get that, but I do feel like I am drowning in my own grief here and I can't change how intense that feels. I want to - right now I can't.

DD2 is being selfish and I am so angry at her for that right now. Anger is one of the steps in the grieving process I guess but I go from wanting her back in my house so badly it hurts to wanting to scream at her for what she is putting us through. I get angry at her that I have these two lizards in my house that I have to care for, buy crickets for...lizards I never wanted in the first place but allowed them in my house 3 weeks ago, for her, because I LOVE her and she wanted them! I now have her stuff that she left in my house that I don't want to look at every day because I don't want to be reminded of her but I don't want it gone because that makes it even more real. Do you see what my poor husband gets to deal with right now? Yoyo lady at its most extreme.

I sometimes want to move DD4 into DD2's old room but I don't want to do that because I don't want DD2 to think we are glad she is gone. We most certainly are NOT glad she is gone! DD4's bedroom is not a bedroom; it is a room someone put up in our basement that has a window and a door. It has no closet and barely enough walking room once you get her bed and dresser in there. She could use an actual bedroom; you know, with space for her toys, for her. I am torn.

Today hasn't been a good day; 3/4 of it was probably spent crying.

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