Wednesday, August 19, 2009


It seemed another normal day when I woke up this morning. I had had a great night last night with DH and DD2 watching a movie; we laughed and joked. It seemed normal, like it used to be.

I got ready for work, had to leave early; I had a chiropractor's appointment. I instructed DD4 to let her sister sleep until 8:30, then go wake her. I walked to my car, humming a little tune. A decorative box in the front yard caught my attention. A voice told me to look in DD2's bedroom window. I did. My heart left my body and it has yet to return. Her bedding was gone. I ran to a small town called PANIC! (Thankfully I was eventually able to leave PANIC but was relocated to a desert called DESPAIR.)

DD2 is gone; she left notes, and her lizards. I don't want the lizards! I want her!

It took the whole day to find out where she is. That whole day seemed like a lifetime. Three sets of our parents were with me throughout the course of the day; that kept me strong for DD4 and DS3. They made me eat. I didn't want to.

Every siren I heard belonged to DD2. Every car held her belongings. Around every corner lurked her shadow.

She feels she was a bad influence on her little brother and sister. She feels we don't want her. She feels she can not measure up. She wants nothing to do with God right now and we do; she feels this causes us heartbreak. She is right about some of those things but two of them she is dead wrong about.

We do want her and she can measure up! We know people make mistakes but she thinks the ideals we have are strictly enforced. She has put pressure on herself to be those things she thinks we want and, we have, most probably, put pressures on her we had no idea we had.

This is not just her doing. We have made mistakes. We are not perfect either and, according to the parenting stick, fall pretty short ourselves. She does hold a lot of resentment and bitterness towards a lot of people in this community, including us.

Perhaps, for her, it is better that she is not here - get away from everything and everyone. Is it better for us? No. We are lost. All of us. Me. Her dad. Her grandparents. Her little brother and sister. The family cat... We are all lost.

DD2 is in a place that we know, that loves her, that will take care of her and that she should be able to thrive and heal in; her older sister's. Perhaps it is only temporary.

Without my girl

I am LOST!

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