It was a good service but it was after most had left where it got great. Pastor Kevin came to tell me he wanted to pray for me; so, he, his daughter & wife came to pray for me. I remember fragments of what he said but something that stood out is that I can not blame myself. He said for the self-accusatory and blaming spirits to go.
I knew I was blaming myself, feeling like I deserved this, like it was payback for what I put my dad through...but I don't think I was ever cognitively aware that I was blaming myself. It was never a tangible thought; it was more of an underlying feeling or atmosphere (for lack of better wording).
I felt a release tonight; I know there is more to go but, I felt a release. It felt safe to be able to cry in the arms of one of my friends. We weren't always friends and sometimes I wonder her motives. I think that is just Satan trying to put a wedge between us because she is a true friend. A true friend gets down on the dusty cement floor with you and prays, and cries, with you; she wipes the tears from your eyes as tears are falling from hers, for you. A true friend helps you to your feet then throws her arms around you and holds you as you cry - tears of knowledge & relief, of sorrow & despair, of pain & heartache....
I thank God for my pastor and I thank God for the friends that He has given me. I thank Him for pouring in the oil & the wine, for taking me to the inn from the ditch where I had laid battered, broken and half-dead.
I get to go back to church tomorrow! Twice on Saturday and then, again, Sunday morning. How lucky am I?