Friday, August 28, 2009

T Minus DD2 Day 9

Pastor says I blame myself for all of this, that I shouldn't. He's right.

I also have guilt.

Guilt for not giving you a life that made you happy, for our lives leading up to this not being perfect, for not having the knowledge I have now your whole life so you wouldn't be so confused (or whatever you are). I feel guilt for what I did to my dad when I left. Granted, he knew I was planning on going; it wasn't a surprise but still...I now know how he felt, how his heart was ripped from his chest. I understand why he said the things he did. Perhaps they could have been said differently but I understand why he said them. He never hated me - not even a little.

I can't hold onto this guilt and blame any longer; it is killing me. What good will I be to you, when you want to be a part of my life again, if I allow this to kill me? What good will I be to our brothers and sisters? What good will I be to Dad?

I am not perfect. I will make more mistakes than I all ready have. I will try to correct them. I will try not to make them. Everything that I do, I do with the best intentions and the thought that I am doing right by you. You will understand that when you are married and a mom yourself.

Above all else remeber that God loves you. That I love you. That dad loves you. That will never stop or change. NEVER

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